i need a listening ear and some thoughtful advice

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i need a listening ear and some thoughtful advice

Unread postby spandicandi » Mon Mar 19, 2007 12:51 am

My husband has been snorting cocaine for the past 11 years. We started dating and he got sober for over a year, and then soon after the baby was born, he started again, and hasn't stopped. Today, we went to look at a home we were planning on buying, and we decided to get it. We were both sooo happy we finally found something that we wanted. Right after that, we were in separate cars so we were supposed to meet at home. He never came...... I cried, and was about to just lose it because even on what should be a joyous day - a good day - in the end, it's all about coke.
My son is 13 months now, and he sees the twitching when he comes down. My husband never does it at home, he just takes off all night and comes home the next morning when his high has worn off. Thing is, I'm a stay at home mom, and I don't even have a high school diploma to get a good job to be able to support me and my son if we leave. I want only the best life for my son and I've tried everything with him. Inpatient - outpatient- yelling to talking to not even saying a word. I don't know how to deal anymore. I'm only 21 and i'm so unhappy. He is the best father and husband when he is there, but cocaine will always be it for him. I know that. I don't question anymore if he'll actually sober up at some point because I don't believe he will. I don't believe he can just be happy with my son and I. I really do wish this was a live chat cause I could really use it right now. My family and I aren't close so I really dont have a support system to fall back on. I wanted sooooo much better for my son, and for me. I just need help and I don't know how to find it.... I cry most of the time, and then I get so angry. I don't know what to do. If I leave, how can I make it? Finacially, I could never do it. Emotionally....my husband would be gone, I would fall apart. I had an issue with meth for a while, I put myself in rehab at 14 years old. I stayed in rehab for almost a year, and I haven't touched it since. To me, if you're that determined to love your life and your family, why wouldn't you do everything to stop? I did. Even though things get hard in my current situation, I would never go back to it. My son needs me. What should I do I'm sooo confused and I love him, but the bad has outweighed the good for along time now.
spandicandi
 

Unread postby Guest » Mon Mar 19, 2007 4:25 am

spandicandi, I feel for you. you described in a few paragraphs what addiction is all about.

1) how many times after the end of a good day your partner ruins everything by smoking, drinking, inhaling or whatever? i know people on this board can tell thousand of stories. they can be happy, they can be sad, they're addicted and nothing will stop them when they need their fix. it's not about you, it's not your fault, that's what addiction is all about.

2) when you say that you don't believe he can just be happy with you and your son, you are right, because if it was that easy, he wouldn't be an addict. it's AWESOME that you're clean, and i give you A LOT of credit because it's probably one of the toughest things to do, and many fail over and over again. your son is lucky to have a mom like you.

3) take care of yourself: go to nar-anon meetings, focus on your son and yourself. there are a lot of classes online and since you're a stay at home mom that could fit your schedule with the baby. what would you like to do job-wise?

these are only stuff that i would do to get better because as the saying goes "been there, done that"... your story is my story and many others can relate.
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Unread postby November_rain » Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:35 am

Hey Spandicandi,
There are so many things we could talk about and share that I wonder if you would have time to stop by tomorrow evening (Tuesday) at 7:30 PM. This is the weekly online chat at SobrietyOnline. Talking online would be easier and faster. Let me know.
Take care,
November rain
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Unread postby Guest » Mon Mar 19, 2007 5:14 pm

How does the online chat work? do I have to be registered to participate?
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Unread postby November_rain » Tue Mar 20, 2007 4:25 am

On the Home page of SobrietyOnline, you'll see the weekly chat window. Click where it says "Click here for more information". Then, all you have to do is enter a username. You don't need to be registered. Let me know if you have any questions.
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Chat Room Instructions

Unread postby John » Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:07 am

The chat room is located here:

http://www.sobrietyonline.com/chatroom.htm

Scroll down to the middle of the page to see the chat room entrance (It's the big gray box labeled "Sobriety Online Chatroom").

To enter - You do not need to register to participate.
(Section 1) just type an alias for your username, no password is needed for guests.
(Section 2) Click the button labeled "Click here to Chat!" and you are in!

To send a message - at the bottom of the chat room there is a rectangular box where you enter a message then click the button labeled Send (to the right of your message).

There is a chat every Tuesday night from 7:30 - 8:00 pm (EST).

Hope to see you there!

John
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Unread postby Guest » Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:11 am

Thanks so much for the info. I'll try to be here tonight. I'm struggling w/ my husband's alcoholism right now. Even if I don't say anything, I find it comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this type of situation.
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Unread postby Guest » Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:25 am

hey guest, there are so many of us... and the funny thing is you can be rich or poor, a PhD or a high school dropout, we all go through the same ups and downs, with the same feelings and emotions. we are sucked in the addiction insanity created by our spouse or partner. but there's always hope... and i guess this is why we stay.
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Unread postby Guest » Tue Mar 20, 2007 6:00 pm

Yea, you're right about hope. I think that's a big part of what keeps me here. You know, I have lived with his drinking for many yrs, & learned to cope. Then about 2 months ago he went for help: enrolled in rehab after work & attended AA. I thought it was finally the answer to my prayers. He seemed to be doing well. Now, he's starting to relapse & lie about it and it's really wreaking havoc with me. I knew how to live with his constant drinking, but this "is he or isn't he?", & the deception are a whole new ballgame for me.
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