relapse, relapse,etc

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relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby trying not to give up » Tue Jan 10, 2012 2:17 pm

I'm scared all of the time. I've been in and out of AA for 10 years. I believe it's true it all comes down to willingness. I go so for then gtive up, unwilling to sit through the uncomfortable times. I'm a single mom of the most wonderful little girl in the world. I wake up every night at 3am with constant thoughts of "what if". I'm so ashamed of my relapse history, it's hard to go back. I know the rooms are always welcoming, but after so many attempts I feel what is the piont? I'll never get this. I have no idea what's what, 10 years of AA mixed w/drinking has totally screwed me up. I know I'm full of self pity, self hate, resentment, anger. There's still a part of me that doesn't want to give up, or I guess I wouldn't be doing this. I feel like a broken record, the definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over. I'm a recluse home alone today while my daughter's in school. It just hit me while I was sitting on the couch, "just go check out AA online for a min. and go from there." I'm grateful for everyone I've read about so far, it's so easy to forget when you loose contact that you're not the only one who struggles.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby here_to_help_you » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:00 pm

When you think about giving up, just look at your little girl. What if something happened to you because of your drinking? How would your daughter handle it? I see that you are a single mother. I can relate to you, but in a different way. I want to share my story with you. My mother was a single mother to myself and my sister. I never got to meet my father. I do know that he was an alcoholic, as well as my mother. My mother was killed in a car wreck when she was 44 years old. My father died a year later due to kidney and liver failure caused by years of drinking. He was 47 years old. So therefore, by the time I was 21, I had lost both of my parents. I stepped up and took full custody of my sister who was 13 at the time. Although I had been raised around alcoholics, I have always been against drinking alcohol. But I done something that most people do, they follow the cycle in which they have been raised. At the age of 15 I met the love of my life. We got married 2 years later and have 2 beautiful daughters. They are 13 and 19. My husband and I were married for almost 20 years. He was an alcoholic when I met him. Of course, I thought he would grow out of it and/or change. His drinking only got worse. He started abusing me physically, mentally and emotionally. He pulled guns on me multiple times, threatening to kill me if I ever left him. I felt selfish to leave him because of our daughters. The one thing he was was a great father. He never abused our daughters or I would have had him arrested. Everytime he started drinking I would hide the car keys so that he could not drive for in fear of him killing himself or someone else. It was like clock work when I did this that I would end up with a black eye. At the time it was worth keeping everyone else on the road safe and keeping our daughters father alive. Finally in January of 2009 I was at my breaking point with him. I had our daughters go to one of my friends house knowing that when he came home I was going to tell him that I was done and for him to leave. When he came home I did just that. He was furious. He tried to strangle me and chased me with a gun. Our daughters and I went into hiding for awhile. You might be asking yourself why I am telling you my story when you posted the hard times you have gone through. I will now tell you......... On August the 10th of 2009 @ 2:11 a.m I heard a knock at my door. My daughters and I were in bed (of coarse). While trying to wake up, I went to the door and when I opened the door, there stood a State Trooper. I almost collapsed as I knew in my heart what he was there to tell me. And I was right. My husband was dinking and driving. He had 2 passengers with him. My husband was driving over 100 miles an hour when he wrecked. Not only was he killed, but one of the passengers were also killed. Once the State Trooper left I was trying to pull myself together and try to prepare myself to explain to our daughters that they had just lost their father. It was and still is the hardest thing I have had to ever do. It seems like I had told him not to drink and drive, because it was a selfish thing to do, because we had 2 daughters and he needed to think about them more rather that himself. He has missed so much in the short time he has been gone. I loved him and still love him. I did not like the things he done, but he was the love of my life and a great dad to our daughters. Now I am a single mother to our 2 daughters. I hope you will find some way within yourself to think about your daughter before you take that next drink. Feel free to reply. I am here for you to talk to. :)
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby baddrunk » Thu Jan 19, 2012 8:27 am

not to be all tough love and the like.but imagine your daughter with out you in her life?my mother commited suicide with this disease.and it kills me everyday.the relapses are not what matters its TODAY,right now.dont let your own pride get in the way of what you need for yourself and your daughter.shes worth it and most of all so are you.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby green eyes » Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:19 pm

I heard many speakers say that it took them a long time to get 90 days - one person that I heard speak recently said it took her 9 years and I have heard of some even longer. don't give up. This can kill you and will. I know how hard it is to have go back and admit defeat again but there is no other way.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby BklynChik » Mon Feb 06, 2012 11:25 am

My question to you--have you been working the steps? Willingness is a huge step, but we also have to do the work. Alcoholism is not as simple as not picking up the first drink, it's also working on ourselves so that we learn new tools to keep us from drinking.

I agree with all the other posters, but I also say to you that this is a "me" disease and this is a "me" program. You have to want this for you.

Also, while I understand your feelings of guilt and shame, if you live within them there will be no progress. You cannot change the past nor can you predict the future. The only day any of us have is today.

Hope this helps.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby teatime22 » Thu Feb 16, 2012 7:09 pm

You are still coming back, which is very hopeful! Forgive yourself, you are human. I agree with the others; now is what matters most. You can make yourself crazy by focusing on what might be. I also fear consequences of relapse, I use this as encouragement, not discouragement. I am sure you have heard the saying, "if at first you do not succeed try, try again"?
I have made a mental association about alcohol. It is like I am retraining myself how to live and think. My life will go in one of two directions, the loss of everything could lay with that first drink. It is not hopeless, it is challenging. Keep up your spirits!
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby giniu » Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:05 pm

not really relapse ... but what is meant by "working the steps"? do i need to do homework and hand in papers or ??? i'm being serious here...i really don't understand. have been trying for 7 months & i'm just not getting it. have a lot of family support, but just can't grasp the "higher power" & 'god" concept. Need help. (& no i do not have a sponsor). i can't see that happening :( if my fam & friends can't help - why would a stranger? THANX
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby daved7630 » Sun Feb 19, 2012 5:10 pm

A sponsor understands what it means to suffer from this disease, which anyone who is not an alcoholic simply can't know. That's part of why AA works. And I wouldn't say that the 12 steps are homework, more of a new way to live. But there is definitely work involved.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby teatime22 » Sun Feb 26, 2012 6:28 pm

AA must work for atheists too, you cannot force yourself to believe in a higher power or creator. Many people find strength or solace knowing something out there cares unconditionally. I use my spirituality as a tool yet, i do not conform to any traditional religion. I would think atheist are people highly reasonable people. Perhaps you could use that logic and reason in place of the "god concept"?
Strangers have a less biased way of helping you. It is harder for family and friends for many reasons. They may me fed up, misunderstand, and the emotional involvememt can get in the way. We are all helping each other, giving and receiving support. Some people do not have family or friends.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby sar » Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:29 am

it kills me everyday.the relapses are not what matters its TODAY,right now.dont let your own pride get in the way of what you need for yourself and your daughter...
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby MarkSEE » Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:19 am

The first step is the only one we need to practice to perfection. Unless you accept that there is no good loads left in the bottle and that the first drink gets you drunk, you won't fear alcohol the way you need to. It is in admitting our defeat to alcohol that we have the opportunity to be free. Before you pick up your next drink, remember your last one. Know that this one will be worse. I have been sober 27 years. That only happens if you can accept life on life's terms, one day at a time, without picking up. In those years I have had great success, crushing defeat and everything in between. AA allowed me to navigate life, but it didn't make me bullet proof. It is attendance at meetings that offers us a chance. Read up on the promises of AA. It is so worth it.

Mark C.
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby mrmakkey » Tue Apr 24, 2012 1:36 pm

green eyes wrote:
> I heard many speakers say that it took them a long time to get 90 days -
> one person that I heard speak recently said it took her 9 years and I have
> heard of some even longer. don't give up. This can kill you and will. I
> know how hard it is to have go back and admit defeat again but there is no
> other way.

Greens eyes is absolutely right, never give up on your self and try to take things one day at a time, the steps will help you make things easier and will save your life
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby hannvli » Tue Jun 05, 2012 3:06 am

I almost collapsed as I knew in my heart what he was there to tell me. And I was right. My husband was dinking and driving. He had 2 passengers with him. My husband was driving over 100 miles an hour when he wrecked. Not only was he killed, but one of the passengers were also killed. Once the State Trooper left I was trying to pull myself together and try to prepare myself to explain to our daughters that they had just lost their father. It was and still is the hardest thing I have had to ever do...








____________________________________
http://www.tera4shop.com/
http://www.mmolive.com/
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby Teresa » Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:52 pm

I think I might have gotten onto the wrong chat online because I do not go to AA meetings and I sometimes relapse in fact AA meetings are a huge trigger for me people sitting around talking about drinking makes me want to drink and many of my relapses have been after AA meetings. Am I on the wrong website?

My philosophy when it comes to drinking is that it's not the quitting that's hard it's finding something to replace it that's hard, so if I am involved in something that I really enjoy and am invested in I don't think about drinking but when I am inactive I get into trouble. Right now I am unemployed and that is an issue, not only because of the stress but because my "fiends" who all have money are beginning to relate to me like I am poor and they don't want to be around me because I can't afford to go out and have a good time or because lacking in money is topic number one on the top of my list and they don't really like that, it makes them uncomfortable. Those friends are gone, in my opinion, I do not need them but I would like some support to stay sober again am I on the wrong website because I am not an AA adherent? I have nothing bad to say about it, I am a mental health professional and feel that if it helps people, fine - some people it does and some it doesn't. Before I participate more here, am I in the wrong place? Teresa
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Re: relapse, relapse,etc

Unread postby tom n » Sun Jul 29, 2012 2:38 pm

what AA has tought me is that character counts. building on my character has got me through many a slump.

life is hard for everybody. character is how you behave when life is handing you shit. we all have choices, and it is easy to choose the right way when life is peachy, nobody taught me how to live it when life is hard, except for the program.

relapses are natural too. do smoker's quit on the first try? some do, but there's something creepy about that too though. kinda goody goody non character building beige bullshit!

try being compassionate to yourself, but dont accept bullshit from anybody - especially yourself -

life is a tremendous force - it can be unjust - cruel - awesome - but it's all we got - and i am very happy that i am in the cast.

i hope my ramble may help a bit - hang in there - work (and only work leads) to motivation and change
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