pmom2 wrote:
> Good luck and I wanted to say thank you to Shelley. AS she made me see so
> many things I hadnt seen. My son is in recovery, early and I know all the
> feelings of sadness and one that I didnt quite figure was isolation. Our
> family isolates because of the stigma of addiction. My family suffers and I
> do too. I feel my life has stopped and been robbed of any joy that I used
> to have. I isolate and think that it makes me feel better being at home if
> Im needed. wow crazy.
It isnt crazy, its an automatic reaction for many people when we love someone. What you need to try to remember however is that it is your son that is the addict, not you. Addiction is not shameful, it is and can be tragic, it is painful, it is destructive but it is not shameful and I defy anyone to say otherwise! If anyone is judging you, your son or your family because of the 'shame' of it then who are they? Are they important to you? If they are important to you why are they judging you in such a critical and narrow minded way? If anyone is judging you and looking down upon you, ask them to walk in your shoes, ask them if their noses are clean and see their response. No one is perfect, no family is perfect and people are liars if they profess them to be so.
Listen to me, you cannot stop your life because your son is ill, you need time to heal and to live your life in the way you want to regardless of whether he has an addiction or not. I understand it is difficult but no.1 are you going to do your son any good if you fall apart because you have no emotional, mental or physical energy left because his addiction has emptied you of any prior essence that you may have had? No.2. May I ask how old your son is? I am sorry, but if he is an adult then I am afraid it is time to let go. He will either be clean or he wont, this is ultimately his choice not yours and no matter what you do, whether you stay at home mothering him and protecting him or whether you go out and live your life he will drink or he wont and it will have zilch all to do with how well or not you have looked after and protected him. I feel that I am being harsh and I apologise if I am but the problem with addicts is people enable them to continue on in their own little cocoon of self-pity, relying on other people, self-absorbed and completely unwilling and/or unable to take responsibility for their own lives, their own choices and their own messes that include consequences. If you continue to give up on yourself, your own life and your own happiness what will you feel if he relapses? Will you blame yourself for not having done enough to help? Not loving enough? Not supportive enough? Not 'there' enough? Will this always be your responsibility or is it time to perhaps get tough and say "I love you with every fibre of my being and I support you but I am no longer wiping your backside. This is your choice but I am NOT going to be dragged down by it" Perhaps if he felt like it was now all down to him he would absolutely take full responsibility for his recovery, his process with the 12 steps if he does them, his honesty with himself and with you and the possibility of his own personal future happiness. This is not your choice, your fault, your responsibility, your consequence or your journey, it is his journey and maybe you have to let him live that journey and work it out himself whilst being a strong, loving but NOT enabling support?
As I say, I am sorry if I am blunt, harsh or sound uncaring. I dont mean to but I know from experience that forcing someone to take their own responsibility ultimately produces the most beneficial results even if it feels like it is being cruel.
Take Care, and go and live!
laugh, love, smile and experience the beautiful life that is your divine birthright to do so.
Shelley x