My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

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My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby scared72 » Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:06 am

I have been married for three years. Prior to gettting married my husband had 2 DUI's, he was 8 years younger than I was and able to convince me that it was stupidity and youth as he was using cocaine at the time. He promised me that he wanted more for his life and never wanted to be that way again. When we married he apologized to his parents and everyone that he had ever hurt and promised that his life would be different. After we married, we suffered infertility and now my husband has been unemployed for 8 months. We have had episodes in the past where he would drink too much with friends and act like a person I did not know but he was always sorry and ashamed. So many things have occurred and in my heart I know that he is hurting deeply as such he has chosen to drink heavily, in my opinion, to block out the pain. Any attempts I make to ask him to stop drinking fail, he tells me I am just like everyone else. At this point, I am the problem and screwing up his life with all of my BS. His anger seems to be escalating and last week, he came home from a friends house and upon entering the house began screaming at me telling me I blame him for everything and acting like a manaic, when I tried to get away from him he followed me, this resulted in a physcial altercation in which he held me down on our bed and tried to puor his beer on me. I kicked him, called for help and left. I have been out of my house for six days and it is my house. My family is angry and says if I don't kick him out, they don't want me to call them again. They don't want to risk their lives and families if I choose to stay with him. I married him for better or for worse and don't want to get to divorced but I need him to leave. The thing is he won't accept this as a separation, he wont agree to any sort of help, and he threatens to hate me if I leave him. He swears he is not an alcoholic and that he is just going through stuff and I am not helping. I could go on and on but as I type I feel so pathetic. I am ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened to me and I feel terribly alone. I almost wish that I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. I want this be over and I don't know where to turn. I worry about him every minute of everyday and I don't know what to do where to turn? I went to his parents for help, but as of yesterday they wanted to get his side of the story, really? And then later that night his mother called me to tell me that she drove by our house and saw that if he came home he wouldn't be able to get into the driveway and that would probably make him mad? I said, yeah well do you know how many times I come home from workign and he and all his friend are drinking and getting high in my garage, and there is no where for me to park b/c my husband is too fucked up to care where I am or when I am coming home? She said, yes, but I thought you were trying to calm things down? Really? Seriously? What the hell do you say to that when you have been raised to be respectful to your parents? I know what I wanted to say to her? Meanwhile, my husband hasn't spoken to his parents since July b/c they had a huge fight over things he was displeased with in their family business, when they were begin attacked by him all they wanted to do was askign me how much he was drinking or if he was using cocaine again. Funny how when he had legitimate gripes with them they wanted to blame the beer but when he pushes me and tries to pour a beer on my head, they want his side of the story?

Can anyone help me or tell me where I can go that this pain will stop
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby abclimo » Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:42 am

Scared: Wow, yours is a powerful post. I'll be happy to try to "explain" some of what is going on the best I can and hopefully it helps you, even just a little bit. First, you need to stop making excuses for him. Being an addict, we are experts at making our own excuses, we're actually so good at it, we even make ourselves believe them. I am sure that the infertility problem and being unemployed are difficult for him, and he views these as excuses to use/drink. Most addicts/alcoholics use to get away from their problems, not realizing that when we are not under the influence, the problems are still there and even feel worse than they did before we used. He views you as the enemy because you are asking him not to drink/use. When I was in my active addiction, I didn't understand why my husband wouldn't just leave me alone with my using and quit nagging me, I felt so peaceful after using and he just made that peaceful turn stressfull. You are NOT the problem, he is the problem and he needs to deal with what is actually causing him to use/drink. Unless he deals with that, he won't be able to quit and be in recovery. The fact that it has become physical is a very bad thing. This time it was only him holding you down and trying to pour a beer on you. Next time, it could be pushing you down a flight of stairs, or hitting you so hard you need emergency treatment. You definitely need to put a stop to this before it gets any worse. I am not sure where you are from, but in the area of Pennsylvania I live in, you can go to the courthouse and fill out paperwork called a "protection from abuse" which they will then serve on him and there'll be a hearing and the judge will find in your favor that he has to stay away from you, yadda yadda yadda. It basically means you can make him leave your house and he has to stay away from you for one year. This will probably be one of the most difficult things you have ever done, but if you want to continue to live, you'll need to do it. It's interesting how his family has done a complete 360 and are blaming you for what is going on. Does his family have a history of alcoholism or addiction? It's very easy for them to be on the sidelines and blame you for what is going, even though it is not your fault. Also, you can find meetings in your area to get a better idea of what is going on. You can attend Al-alon and nar-anon, they are more for the families of people who are addicted (alcohol is a drug), or you can attend an AA or NA meeting as long as they are open meetings. You'll hear a lot of people sharing what they had gone through. I know how hard it is to stand up to "your elders" when you have been raised to always respect them. I still struggle with this and it is a struggle. I have learned a lot about me, not all bad things, but I have learned to take things as they come and deal with them. I have also learned that I don't need to use or drink to enjoy my life. You definitely don't need to deal with the crap he's putting you through and you deserve better. You need to stand up for yourself and things will work themselves out, if they are meant to be. I'll send some good thoughts your way and a hug to help you through your journey.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby JIR1 » Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:17 pm

Hi Scare72:

I have been married for 19 years and my husband and I use to have fun together. We lived in our new home now for 11 years and I have been saved for 11 years and I wanted to change myself. Well, you know where I am going with this nobody wants to divorce in a marriage but when the other spouse refuses to change there is nothing you can do but help your life together to make the right decisions. Definitely, go to an Al-Anon meeting an stay with it. You will hear that small voice tell you what to do. Remember, to listen to that voice that is an AHA moment. Help yourself right now stop feeling guilty and a shame. I am currently helping myself to get out of this situation. I stayed in this too long for my children and the vow that I had taken with GOD.

At this moment, I am seeking counseling every week and it is helping me to grow. Yes, I want him to leave to see what he has truly done because at this moment his eyes are shut. We can't change them all we have to do is change ourselves. Yes, it truly hurts now I put more years into my marriage than you did. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Do you it is not being selfish he is.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby otdun » Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:55 am

i strongly suggest alanon meetings,you have to take care of yourself first and above all else! if he has become physical,that is very bad,ask questions and advice at the meetings,don't be ashamed or afraidyou are not the only one who is,or has gone through this type of situation. good luck,i will be praying for you. make sure you take action to protect and take care of yourself first and foremost!
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby Exauscafru » Mon Nov 14, 2011 5:57 pm

Hello Scare72:
I can relate because I have gone through alcoholism with my family including my Mother and I have gone through mental and "almost physical" abuse with my ex-husband.
I liked what abclimo said. Definitely read that.
I have tried what seems like everything with my Mom (whom I now live with) including talking, counseling, going to AA meetings with her, forceful, sympathetic, kind and it is ALWAYS my fault and I'm being a nuisance. Nothing ever works and I just have to realize that I can't control it and I can't change it. She is the only one who can make that decision and when she does I am here for her.
In regards to leaving vs not leaving your husband, I loved and still love my husband. He was amazing and he was awful wrapped into a beautiful body. What helped me was when my Father told me that I need to make a decision and stick to it. Changing my mind, fighting the wise decisions I know I made and constantly doubting was only making things worse and not helping with a solution. He told me I could not have the amazing man all the time. I was to choose whether or not I was willing to have the amazing and awful for the rest of my life, assuming no change was ever going to happen. I wasn't willing to deal with that the rest of my life. You need to assume your husband will be drinking like this, acting like this and treating you like this or worse and decide if you are willing to deal with that.
I would suggest doing what abclimo said regarding the court. It may be the trigger he needs to get himself help and then you choose a line where you are willing to take him back (example: 6 months sober).
It was the hardest decision I had to made and hurts to this day, but I do not doubt my decision anymore, even if he did change, because it wasn't meant to be for us.
So after all that advice that may or may not be good or helpful, I want to say. I'll pray for you. I'm sorry you are going through this and I sympathize. It is so difficult. You can do this as a strong woman. You will get through this and you will take care of yourself whether you stay with him or not. You can! I hope all goes well.
LIH (Love In Him-God)
Exascafru (Exauhsted, scared and frustrated)
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby MandyCane » Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:29 pm

Hello,

Try to think of what you would tell your sister if it was her in your situation. You have to be honest with yourself and see the situation for what it is which is hard. You have to love yourself enough to make the hard decision to allow yourself to have a better life. This person is an addict and needs help, but you do not deserve to be treated this way. Good luck to you.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby Cara » Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:07 pm

abclimo wrote:
> Scared: Wow, yours is a powerful post. I'll be happy to try to
> "explain" some of what is going on the best I can and hopefully
> it helps you, even just a little bit. First, you need to stop making
> excuses for him. Being an addict, we are experts at making our own
> excuses, we're actually so good at it, we even make ourselves believe them.
> I am sure that the infertility problem and being unemployed are difficult
> for him, and he views these as excuses to use/drink. Most
> addicts/alcoholics use to get away from their problems, not realizing that
> when we are not under the influence, the problems are still there and even
> feel worse than they did before we used. He views you as the enemy because
> you are asking him not to drink/use. When I was in my active addiction, I
> didn't understand why my husband wouldn't just leave me alone with my using
> and quit nagging me, I felt so peaceful after using and he just made that
> peaceful turn stressfull. You are NOT the problem, he is the problem and
> he needs to deal with what is actually causing him to use/drink. Unless he
> deals with that, he won't be able to quit and be in recovery. The fact
> that it has become physical is a very bad thing. This time it was only him
> holding you down and trying to pour a beer on you. Next time, it could be
> pushing you down a flight of stairs, or hitting you so hard you need
> emergency treatment. You definitely need to put a stop to this before it
> gets any worse. I am not sure where you are from, but in the area of
> Pennsylvania I live in, you can go to the courthouse and fill out paperwork
> called a "protection from abuse" which they will then serve on
> him and there'll be a hearing and the judge will find in your favor that he
> has to stay away from you, yadda yadda yadda. It basically means you can
> make him leave your house and he has to stay away from you for one year.
> This will probably be one of the most difficult things you have ever done,
> but if you want to continue to live, you'll need to do it. It's
> interesting how his family has done a complete 360 and are blaming you for
> what is going on. Does his family have a history of alcoholism or
> addiction? It's very easy for them to be on the sidelines and blame you
> for what is going, even though it is not your fault. Also, you can find
> meetings in your area to get a better idea of what is going on. You can
> attend Al-alon and nar-anon, they are more for the families of people who
> are addicted (alcohol is a drug), or you can attend an AA or NA meeting as
> long as they are open meetings. You'll hear a lot of people sharing what
> they had gone through. I know how hard it is to stand up to "your
> elders" when you have been raised to always respect them. I still
> struggle with this and it is a struggle. I have learned a lot about me,
> not all bad things, but I have learned to take things as they come and deal
> with them. I have also learned that I don't need to use or drink to enjoy
> my life. You definitely don't need to deal with the crap he's putting you
> through and you deserve better. You need to stand up for yourself and
> things will work themselves out, if they are meant to be. I'll send some
> good thoughts your way and a hug to help you through your journey.
Cara
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby escape from berlin » Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:54 pm

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.. LISTEN TO ME...i am an alcoholic.( sober 21 yrs) and i have lived sober with a raging alcoholic...you need to leave asap...donot waste your one & only life in this abusive relationship...if your waiting on him to change, your wasting your time, you have no control here.. he could very well kill you in one drunken blow..i understand for better or worst.. but god didnt mean this..his parents only enable him..remember blood is thicker then water, they will never see clearly that he has a problem as long as he is your problem...you are not an addict..but you are acting like one.(sorry to be so harsh)..but you need to hear this..as long as you worry and let his disease control your every waking moment and keep cleaning up after him.. it will only get worst..your friends are only seeing you in the same light you see your husband...getting sober is a one man or womens responsiblity..if you could do it for him, it would be done already,but you cant save him, so you might as well save the only one you can..YOURSELF..all the madness can stop..as soon as your own denial does..look closer at yourself...why are you really staying? fear maybe? its ok to be affraid, you should be..find the courage you are wishing he had, and use it yourself...if he is ever gonna change he will do it himself, with or without you,,it truely has nothing to do with you...your just the target of his rage..it will get even more physical ..anything you say or try to do is considered a threat to him, and he will one day take it too far, without even knowing it. i know your pain, but you can change...just not 1 day at a time...your days are truely numbered.. please get out now.you are not pathic, just a wife who has been beating down by a drunk. you deserve much better. you have done your time trying, you cant win this ...he threw the cards..let him pick em back up. you pick yourself up, no need to be ashamed..you are much stronger then you know..you've made it threw hell..now its time for happiness..YOURS...prayers for you..i believe in you..now you believe in you...make your escape now, please dont wait..
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby ivycool » Sun May 27, 2012 11:18 pm

Also, you can find meetings in your area to get a better idea of what is going on. You can attend Al-alon and nar-anon, they are more for the families of people who are addicted (alcohol is a drug), or you can attend an AA or NA meeting as long as they are open meetings. You'll hear a lot of people sharing what they had gone through. I know how hard it is to stand up to "your elders" when you have been raised to always respect them.


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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby Guest » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:12 pm

I am sorry for your troubles. I am married to a man, for 37 years, who drinks. We finally had a family intervention and he is 3 weeks dry and going to AA. I joined Al Anon and having that support, really helps.

If you can find an Al Anon near you, go. Start with you and know that you can't change him, only you. I put it in God's hands, and so far, so good, but I can only hope for one day at a time (ODAT).

I have you in my prayers but take care of you, first and do what YOU need to do, to be whole and healthy. If he follows suit, so be it, but don't make it easy for him, either.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby chulanasia » Fri Dec 07, 2012 9:36 pm

Your husband is hurting and you want to heal his pain, but this is bigger than you and he has to come to the realization that you cannot pacify him any longer. I think alcoholism follows me; I have lost both my parents to it and my husband is an alcoholic and I am currently in a bachelors program studying human services for addiction counseling.

It is hard to take yourself out of the situation, because you feel somewhat responsible for enabling him, I feel this way all the time. My husband uses his job as an excuse to drink, he says all people in the food service industry field have a few drinks,this is true and most of them have drug or alcohol problems and broken marriages. Although there is some truth to this I still say its an excuse. But then there are those who drink to hide hurt and my parents did both, they were very happy in the beginning my dad was a famous musician and my mom enjoyed the lifestyle, but when the money became an issue and we were struggling and my mom had to get a job that required her to be the bread winner it hurt their relationship. since alcohol was a consistent part of there lifestyle they began to abuse it, my dad using drugs along with it. Being the oldest I had a hard time accepting the neglect and my younger brothers took advantage of it and spent a lot of time with other family, leaving me to clean up the mess; well i thought of it that way when I was young.

Do I resent them; sometimes but not because they were alcoholics but because I love and miss them, because they missed seeing my children grow up, and my mother missed me getting married.

You love your husband and that is natural, and if you did not you wouldn't wan to help him, I agree with the person who mentioned a protection order, you need to separate yourself from him so that he can get what he needs, but you also should suggest that if he is honest about wanting to be sober then he has to prove it to himself, by taking the steps necessary to do so.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby cmaynor06 » Tue Sep 10, 2013 11:55 am

My husband of 7 years is in rehab right now. He told me that his counsler said I was an enabler! I agree I have been. Its hard not seeing him happy and when he was happy the most is when he was drinking. I don't want to be an enabler I want him happy without the boose.
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby PJsmommy » Thu Nov 07, 2013 4:35 pm

I am in a very simalr situation. My fiance knows that he has an alcohol and drug problem, however, I don't believe he is really taking the steps to recovery seriously. He says that he has been clean and sober for a few weeks now, but is still very angry with me when I ask a simple question such as "when did the baby eat last?". He thinks i'm telling him that he's not feeding the baby. Things like this escalate into huge WWIII type arguments. I kicked him out. He tells me all the time how i'm heartless and how he will forgive me for being so cold to him etc, but I have to take him back. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting tonight to hopefully get some insight as to how to handle these situations. I can't have him around the baby if he has drugs on him bc the baby is rolling on the floor and putting everything in his mouth. He has left his stach out a few times (that's how i found out he was using) and I can't take that chance with the baby. that's what it took for me to finally step up and do something about the situation. I'm hoping that him getting physical with you is your moment. I know you love him, but you need to do what's best for you, as well as him. You can't allow it any longer or else it will get worse.

good luck!
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Re: My husband is an alcoholic and I need help

Unread postby kurkure » Thu Dec 26, 2013 3:06 am

I am seeking counseling every week and it is helping me to grow. Yes, I want him to leave to see what he has truly done because at this moment his eyes are shut. We can't change them all we have to do is change ourselves. Yes, it truly hurts now I put more years into my marriage than you did. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Do you it is not being selfish he is.
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