This is hard

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This is hard

Unread postby mountain-lady970 » Fri Jul 18, 2014 10:57 pm

I think I just need some people to relate to. I need someone to come clean to. I don't want to be judged. This is hard.

Its been exactly two weeks now, since my last drink. I have found that throughout the last two weeks, there have been a bazillion occasions and reasons to have a drink. As a result, I have been avoiding any social situations that would be tempting....I know I can't hole up forever, and I'm trying to wrap my head around attending all upcoming summer social events and NOT imbibing. What will I say to all the usual suspects when they ask if they can get me a drink? What will I tell people when I host dinners or parties and serve fancy cocktails and expensive wine?

2 weeks sober. I feel good, but I still feel a strong and constant desire to drink......just walking out of the door to my office at quitting time on a Friday makes me want to drink. Tonight, I had to talk myself out of just heading over to the trendy, neighborhood bar in town for 'just 2 drinks, no more than 2 drinks, 3 drinks max'. It's Hunter S. Thompsons birthday, so everyone is out getting wasted in his honor....what a perfect reason to go drink! This sucks.
Its hard. I hope it gets easier. I don't feel like I can talk to any of my close friends or family members, because I don't want anyone to know that I have a problem. I work really hard at pretending to be sober, functioning at a high level all the time and I think for the most part, people believe me. I cant even tell my therapist about this, because so much of our discussions revolve around me actively lying about my drinking. How can I tell her I spent the last 3 years lying....she would have me committed.

But I'm sick of being embarrassed by my behavior when I'm drunk. Im sick of day long hangovers. I'm sick of picking fights with people I love, and not remembering them the next day. I'm sick of not remembering how I got to bed. I'm sick of having to apologize to people for my inappropriate behavior and lack of self control (and often just human decency). I'm sick of sending drunk text messages and emails to people. I'm 33. I just can't keep it up anymore, but I don't know how I'm going to sustain sobriety forever.
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Re: This is hard

Unread postby Guest » Sun Jul 20, 2014 10:35 am

Good for you! Sounds like you really are working step 1 of the twelve steps and thinking of all the reasons that you don't want to drink. Who will you be sober? It's exciting to know that you will be a better, healthier, more thoughtful version of yourself. You will like yourself better. I'm only on day 9 this time. I'll come with you on your journey. I, too loved to drink at Sumner picnics and the first thing I think about when I leave work is always "I could use a drink!" Now I think "I need a meeting!" Its hard because I have 2 young children and my fiancé is recovering from a heart attack....but I've made it to two in the9 days. They were great experiences. There are so many of us out there. You are not alone!
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Re: This is hard

Unread postby spartacus » Tue Jul 22, 2014 2:22 pm

I am on my seventh moth this time: I have been in and out since 1996. The challenge now is this powerlessness over my mind which is not obssessing over the next drink, but it likes to engage in lots of morbid thinking and self pity. The challenge is not the substance but the mind. I find it hard to switch my attentio to what is happening right now, this moment as the alcoholic mind seems to travel back and forth from the past to the future and ends up doing drive by's on the moment. See, right here right now, everything is all right.

ok enough of that. Keep on noticing your moods and your fears and stay away from using folks as much as you can. Did you find a support group? AA perhaps?

Let go now,

Spartacus
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