The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

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The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

Unread postby CHunsinger » Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:58 am

I have never actually been on any of these forums. I've been actively trying to get help (in and out of rehab/detox, home detox) & I can't seem to kick it. It's like the moment I feel the least bit strong and I start to get that sense of accomplishment and sobriety. I get pulled back down. I have been addicted to heroine for 6 years. I am a iv user and it's like the part of my life that I used to enjoy is now over run by what I think is my best friend. I tell people that ask that I didn't know what love was until I started using. I say still to this day that it is my true love and you know how you never get over your true love? It really is that hard. I am now broken, worn and at this point I wouldn't care if I lived or died. I've turned my back on everyone (including my family). I haven't decided whether that's a good or bad thing right at this moment. By no means am I blaming them or putting this off on them but I must admit that my family is my biggest pusher. I am just asking for an ear to listen or a person to let me know that everything is going to be okay. Right now I'm doubting the okay part. I feel weak and my whole life I've always been the strong one that took care of everyone else and this time I need someone to be there for me. The people in my life at the current time just don't understand addiction and think it's just so easy to stop and please believe that I have tried. I've laid in bed for days in excruciating pain try to kick this and every time I get to that point where I give up, I give in because I just can't take the feel or even the presence in my own skin anymore. I just need a little reassurance right now. I'm normally the one giving the shoulder to cry on and the words to put anyone at ease but I'm not sure where that girl went...
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CHunsinger
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Re: The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

Unread postby emack » Wed Sep 03, 2014 5:28 am

there is help here and in many other places.look for it and use it.look in the mirror and you will see that person you are helping.
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Re: The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

Unread postby Joev7 » Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:00 pm

I am so new to being sober. One week. But every day gets a little better for me. Please take it a day or even an hour at a time. The drug will always try and take hold. But it doesn't think. You do. Deny it access for a day. And only a day.
Addiction for me is a nasty evil mother fucker.. I have this view on how it came into my life.
We all ride through life on the back of a horse. We start out just riding along simpley going though life's bumps and rainy days Well along the way we " picked up" a passenger. Drugs, booze, whatever. Our new friend was awesome! We start to bring him everywhere. He's riding on the back of our horse with us and we love it. This dude knows how how party! Well some where along the our path we switched places. Our fuckin friend is now steering the horse. For me to describe him the grim reeper comes to mind. He didn't look like that when we first met, just the opposite. Who is this ugly mother fucker in control of where I am going? When I was in the front he was just riding behind on the saddle. My seat? Being pulled by a fuckin rope through the mud and the rocks. What little control I have back there is digging my feet in or scratching my nails in dirt to veer the horse where I want it to go. Sometimes I'm succesful. But I'm clearly not in control when using. This fuckin addiction I picked up along the way is.But... He is weak. His only power is my mind.
Today, I am steering my horse. The ugly sob will always be right behind me trying get hold of the reigns. He will continue pester and nag at me. That is a fact for the rest of my life. The blame is mine for picking him up in first place. The only way we switch is if I make the decision to get off the horse and hook up that fuckin rope. He has no physical power to get me off the reigns. Only I can make the decision to get off. Today I steered my horse.
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Re: The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

Unread postby malik » Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:22 am

C.Hunsinger....I can relate to the space that u are in right now! I've been there before! I couldn't break the cycle of using! everything I seemed to try, ended up with me using again. it wasn't until the pain set in that I realized that I had to do something different...for me the difference was in the work I did within myself....I had to find a way to change my thinking, my attitude and my behaviors....I am convinced that the same person will make the decisions again and again...essentially I had to change in order to see different results. one of the strongest differences that helped me was doing step work with my sponsor. I will keep you in my prayers and if there is anyway I can help or support you feel free to call me...my name is malik (267) 333-8519
malik
 

Re: The drug pulls me in...& won't let go...

Unread postby Mckenzie927 » Thu Oct 02, 2014 9:51 am

CHunsinger wrote:
> I have never actually been on any of these forums. I've been actively
> trying to get help (in and out of rehab/detox, home detox) & I can't
> seem to kick it. It's like the moment I feel the least bit strong and I
> start to get that sense of accomplishment and sobriety. I get pulled back
> down. I have been addicted to heroine for 6 years. I am a iv user and it's
> like the part of my life that I used to enjoy is now over run by what I
> think is my best friend. I tell people that ask that I didn't know what
> love was until I started using. I say still to this day that it is my true
> love and you know how you never get over your true love? It really is that
> hard. I am now broken, worn and at this point I wouldn't care if I lived or
> died. I've turned my back on everyone (including my family). I haven't
> decided whether that's a good or bad thing right at this moment. By no
> means am I blaming them or putting this off on them but I must admit that
> my family is my biggest pusher. I am just asking for an ear to listen or a
> person to let me know that everything is going to be okay. Right now I'm
> doubting the okay part. I feel weak and my whole life I've always been the
> strong one that took care of everyone else and this time I need someone to
> be there for me. The people in my life at the current time just don't
> understand addiction and think it's just so easy to stop and please believe
> that I have tried. I've laid in bed for days in excruciating pain try to
> kick this and every time I get to that point where I give up, I give in
> because I just can't take the feel or even the presence in my own skin
> anymore. I just need a little reassurance right now. I'm normally the one
> giving the shoulder to cry on and the words to put anyone at ease but I'm
> not sure where that girl went...
I know how you feel ! i am in the same way right now. If we hold on one day at at time maybe we can overcome. Like one of the other people wrote it is a power of the mind and we need to be stronger! God Bless and i will pray for you!
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