by amielynn » Sun Jan 18, 2015 11:32 pm
Hello. I'm Amie. Im not new to recovery at all. I've been in and out for about 4 years now. I'm at the "fun", young age of 21 right now. I've recently had my life turned upside down by my drinking. My now 10 month old son was taken from me and moved to my moms house due to my alcoholism. I was absolutely in shock, mad and suicidal after. I drank myself under for a month straight and im NOT a binge drinker. My consequences of my drinking vary from blacking out, doing drugs, getting in fights, missing work, etc. But I randomly go out and drink. I physically could not function or get out of bed knowing my perfect little boy is not here. Needless to say my family raised concerns and I went to detox. I've still slipped up since then. Not even out of my depression from not having my boy (its a minute by minute struggle) but just thinking, "hey I'm doing better, I don't have my son I might as well TRY to have some sort of fun. And by the way, I never once drank with my son around. Just wanted to make that known. I was actually a nanny prior to this happening and so is my mom. I love kids and I did a great job of taking careof him and I still do. It was whenever he would go to bed, I would leave the house with my boyfriend (his dad) there but I would find myself constantly in trouble. Anyway..i recently was 2 months completely sober and had a trip to San Diego planned. My mom, being the kind mother she is, got me a hotel by the airport and I ended up going out and drinking. Missed my flight the next morning. Am keeping this a secret from anyone involved with my case but it is bugging me. I can't seem to stay happy being sober. I get SO bored and UNCOMFORTABLE being awkwardly sober all the time. It's hard being so young and trying to commit to this and I don't know why its so difficult. My son is my motivation but sometimes it's still not enough. I'm not going to meetings nor do I have a sponsor (calling strangers isn't my thing), but I so desperately wish I had someone to talk to who understood what I'm going through and how annoying these bad thoughts are all day long! I need support but I've just been so against AA. The only person I trust is God. I want so badly for my issue to be some underlying problem with my situation or myself so I don't have the "death sentence" of being an alcoholic and "never being able to drink without consequence". Glad I got this off my chest. Glad I found this form of communication. Thanks and God Bless you beautiful people reaching out for help. If anyone knows how shity life can be right now, its me.