by Guest » Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:24 pm
I've been "sober" for a year and 5 months. 90% of that time I've been doubting that I'm an alcoholic. Hoping that I may be because I'm constantly and crazily in my own head. Am I just nuts? No, I'm an alcoholic. Took many meetings, listening, occasional sharing, speaking, service, but mostly listening to finally accept the fact. I can really relate to the mental suffering I hear from others that share. My problem was that I was I comparing their physical, material,marital, and even spiritual problems to my own. I wasn't as bad as those people! but the mental anguish they expressed is usually spot on to mine. Today I still bounce around in my head that maybe I'm just mentally succumbing to this cult I've been going to for all this time; yes, More mind racing for me! For me, I just have to accept that I don't know what's in store for me, what I think I know. It is the higher power they talk about which is the game changer for me, if I could only except Him fully. I'm too intelligent for this higher power nonsense! That's more self feeding bullshit, but my head wants to believe it! It's hard to argue that since I stopped drinking,drugs my life has improved beyond what I thought possible. Is it the Lord? I hope so and even starting to think so. I don't know, but it's happening. I've started the steps over since I didn't, in my mind, do step 4 properly. That's where I am today, doing my personal inventory. I'm still crazy in the way I think of things, but I know I can lean on this higher power to show me the way. Still sounds nuts to me! But it's been working for me, when I choose to use Him. I'm hoping I come to a better understanding this conscious contact with God, because I feel it's in Him that I will find what I really need.