Alcoholic Son

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Alcoholic Son

Unread postby jc1945 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 6:26 pm

My wife and I have an adult alcoholic son whose drinking has become out of control . He refuses strongly any help from anyone !
Friends and relatives have pleaded with him but to no avail . He refuses any advice to try to help him . He went to rehab but relapsed as soon as he came back . He lost his wife and job . We believe he will die from this drinking . We had to call the ambulance twice to take him to the hospital .He has his own home and while he is there drinks until he goes to sleep . He stays at our house , still drinks against our rules . and gets violent . Should we let him stay here while he drinks ? My wife struggles with this .If he don't stop drinking I am thinking about getting a restraining order to keep him off our property . Am I wrong to do this ?
Any advice /course of action would be very helpful .
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Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby ks333 » Sun Oct 04, 2015 9:24 pm

remind him of his good, and strong qualities, remind him of his true self. encouraging simple reminders of how wonderful he is…he may just need to relearn to love himself again. Addicts give themselves enough self-criticism, and i'm sure are reminded by the people that love them the most that they're screwing up..trust me he knows…he just needs to know he is powerful enough to let that wonderful and beautiful soul shine.

empower ! best of luck..
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Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby Ed R » Wed Oct 07, 2015 5:50 am

No you are not wrong. I have just over twenty years of sobriety. Once I got sober and stayed sober I remember telling my folks that they should have shut the door on me not allow me to bring them further harm. Not just for there good but also so I would perhaps see what I was doing to myself. Their love for me allowed me to continue down the road of destruction and death. Every time they bailed me out of a situation I got myself into just made it seem to me that all was well and nothing was wrong. Might I suggest that the two of you start attending some alanon meeting to help you heal and understand better what is best. My alcoholism effected ever bodies life that I came in contact with. Especially my parents life's. I don't normally post on this sight but couldn't help but to reach out after I read your post. Wishing you two the best. Ed R.
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Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby Ed R » Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:09 pm

Hi JC1945, My name is Ed. Before we start let me tell you a little about myself. I was an everyday drinker that lasted for about 18 years. Then I got sober and have remained that way for the last 20+ years. Today my life has never been better.And by me remaining sober I am no longer harming my family.

Ok, On to the issue with your son. I can only tell you from my addiction to alcohol and drugs what I have always believed my parents should have done. My parent were always doing things to help me and in return I put them through shear hell. The mental confusion and heart ache that my alcoholism caused them was immense. Nothing that they ever did REALLY made a permanent difference or helped me to get better. All there love and help only gave them temporary relief in knowing that they felt they were doing the right thing for me. They were wrong. And that's not to mention how it effected my alcoholism, They would live me money, I would buy booze. They would give me a place to live, I would go against there rules. They would try to talk to me about my problem, I would yell at them. They loved me, I showed them no love in return. This list could gone on and on. The real problem was the booze. It hide they person I really was and turned me into a DR. Jeckle and Mr. Hide. I would act kind when I needed something then disappear until I needed something else. My alcoholism was a cyclone of destruction that tore through their lives.

Now here is what they should have done. They should have stopped offering any help of any kind to me. Even if it meant that I slept outside. They should have treated me for what I really was, an alcoholic that was destroying myself and pulling those who loved me into a world of insanity. Plain and simple...they could not help me or save me from my path of destruction. If I was to die from alcoholism there would have been nothing they could have done to stop this from happening. These suggestions may be hard to accept or follow through with. Once you start telling your son that you will no longer offer to help him in any manner he will say things to you that will hurt you deeply and even get violent. Remember that he is sick. He suffers from the disease of alcoholism and you suffer from his disease too.

Might I make I suggestion to you and your wife. Get in touch with Alanon, It is a group of people just like you who suffer from the effects of your sons disease. You can look them up online or in your phone book. Perhaps they even have a support website. If you find a website that would be a great place to start. But find a local Alanon where you can have face to face interactions. There you will find a support and a better understanding of your sons disease and how to cope with it. Do not be ashamed to go. If I had a tooth ache I would go to the dentist, if I had a broken arm I would go to the doctors. You are suffering from the effects of an alcoholic, you'll find your solution in Alanon. Start going and don't stop going. Your answers will come. This is going to be hard on both of you. It could be the hardest thing you have ever done. you can not do this alone. The members of Alanon will do this with you. You are not alone.

I normally do not post on this sight but when I saw your post I felt compelled to reply. I will check this sight more often in case you wish to reply to me. I hope that nothing that I said offends ,hurts, or angers you. This is a disease like none other. It will take all you have to find peace within yourself. Take all measures possible to find you solution. I wish you and your family the serenity and comfort in knowing that you are not alone anymore.
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Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby jc9145 » Wed Dec 02, 2015 5:00 pm

Many thanks for your responses . However thw situation has not changed .Each day is a nightmare
jc9145
 

Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby cj1945 » Mon May 09, 2016 6:16 pm

jc9145 wrote:
> Many thanks for your responses . However thw situation has not changed
> .Each day is a nightmare
As og 5/9 the situation has gotten worse . Now he is in trouble with the law . He still stays @ our house .We told him to leave but keeps coming back . We know this enables him but we are in our seventies and cant control him . Any help on what to do ? Our family is suffering .
cj1945
 

Re: Alcoholic Son

Unread postby DrSheilaHereNow » Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:47 pm

Hi: Watching your son destroy himself has to be breaking your heart. Trying to help is admirable but probably a waste of time. If you go to Al-Anon, you will learn to Let Go and Let God. Your son has his own Higher Power as he understands one. Let him work it out with his Higher Power.

You might also look into an intervention. They have a show on TV if you are not familiar. If you are, you an contact people who will organize a formal intervention.


Do not clean up his messes.Why would you allow someone to come into your home and destroy it? Use common sense: if he is violent, call the police. Let them take care of it. Pay the consequences. If he falls down drunk, and is not hurt, do not make him comfortable. If he is sick, do not clean up after him. If he can't get to work, do not make excuses for him. Do not lend money. If you have asked him not to come to the house, do not open the door. IF he tried to break in, call the police. Are you starting to see how, in subtle ways, it is so easy to enable an alcoholic and hinder them hitting bottom (although losing the family/ the law etc. does it for many.)

You can't control him. Why would you think you could? There are legal channels that are prepared to do it. If you want him to get help, do not make it easy to avoid.

Read the book: "Co Dependent No More" by Meladie Beatte

I wish you attendance at Al-Anon. Best gift you can give yourself.

Sheila
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