by running2survive » Sat Oct 27, 2007 7:52 pm
I'm just going to be honest (that would be a first). I met the love of my life and I lost him yesterday due to my drinking and acting like a jerk. This wouldn't be the first time a relationship has ended because of my drinking. But this one hurts bad. I forgot to mention I was an alcoholic but I think he gets it now. I forgot to ask for help and non magically came for me.
I watched and listened to a grown man cry and fall apart because of my drinking. I told him I hated him, called him every name in the book etc. I thought I could beat this but what a foolish thought. I started looking back and realized that every crappy moment I had (i.e. divore, job ending, friend disappearing, every great day ending in utter despair) was all from me drinking. I've lied to everyone about my drinking, they just think that I turn into a jerk and never want to come around me again. They have no idea it's me drinking and cannot control it. I have no friends left, trying to hold on to a job which happens to be the best job I've ever had. I'm scared out of mind.
You know, it's a amazing, if I took alcohol out of my equation, I would have a blessed life. Just that easy. NOT!!! I feel destroyed over the people I've hurt including myself. What a rotten way to go through life, living on the edge. To know that a liquid substance owns you and won't stop until you're dead.
I'm going to AA in the morning, this is my first day sober. My track hasn't been good so my hope is very shaky. I haven't wanted to die in a long time but today is a different story. I was afraid to sleep today for fear of dying, my pain is all I have left in this world, it's not very good company.