by chicky » Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:35 pm
I relapsed a year ago. I made a decision this morning that it is a new day, a new beginning. I am tired of being tired. I am scared my body is shutting down, I know my kids see me for what I am...a drunk at night..I get nasty with them, I get nasty with my husband. I hate my job, I spend money we don't have, on alcohol. my face is blotchy. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, from alcohol and from anxiety. in those dark hours of the morning I feel I want to die. To take my life would be much of a relief. I don't do it. I get up in the wee hours, shower, go to work, come home with the dialogue I have trained myself to say 'I made it through today hung over and miserable, I did a fairly good job, my eyes cleared some. I deserve a drink, cause I can make it through tomorrow the same way'..............then the cycle again begins, I drink I fight,sweating at night, anxiety, disappointment, loathing of myself and wanting to die. I hate the cycle. I know my liver is swollen I can feel the pain at times. I am scared.
So today I am sober and writing this. I want to stay sober. I have made contacts and will be going to meetings. I am scared, soo scared. I would very much appreciate words of any type that will help me to be sober, to continue to be sober.
Thank-you,
AWEchicky[/color]