Relapsed and scared

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Relapsed and scared

Unread postby chicky » Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:35 pm

I relapsed a year ago. I made a decision this morning that it is a new day, a new beginning. I am tired of being tired. I am scared my body is shutting down, I know my kids see me for what I am...a drunk at night..I get nasty with them, I get nasty with my husband. I hate my job, I spend money we don't have, on alcohol. my face is blotchy. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, from alcohol and from anxiety. in those dark hours of the morning I feel I want to die. To take my life would be much of a relief. I don't do it. I get up in the wee hours, shower, go to work, come home with the dialogue I have trained myself to say 'I made it through today hung over and miserable, I did a fairly good job, my eyes cleared some. I deserve a drink, cause I can make it through tomorrow the same way'..............then the cycle again begins, I drink I fight,sweating at night, anxiety, disappointment, loathing of myself and wanting to die. I hate the cycle. I know my liver is swollen I can feel the pain at times. I am scared.

So today I am sober and writing this. I want to stay sober. I have made contacts and will be going to meetings. I am scared, soo scared. I would very much appreciate words of any type that will help me to be sober, to continue to be sober.


Re: Relapsed and scared

Unread postby MaryMary » Wed Jun 25, 2008 12:31 pm

Hi! Kudos for committing to going to meetings. Remember, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. You certainly have that.
Hang in there

Re: Relapsed and scared

Unread postby Guest » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:58 am

Hi Chicky,

I read your post and I saw myself in your description of your life. My thing is drinking heavily starting on Friday night through Saturday and Sunday and then not being able to get up for work on Monday. I "wake" up Monday morning with cold sweats, one minute I'm hot next minute I'm cold. It's usually my forehead and the back of my neck. My hands are shaking and I have trouble walking normally. So I stay in bed. The curtains are closed its dark and safe. I call out sick. Usually by Tuesday morning I am ok after sleeping all day Monday. So I go to work, halfway back to normal. I am finally back to normal by Friday. So I repeat the cycle.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually feel more comfortable laying in bed sick on Monday. I have an excuse not to be productive. I'm sick - so I stay in my cocoon not having to face anybody or be responsible for anything. I definitely have social phobia at that point. I am unsure of myself, depressed and unmotivated. I know it's the alcohol.

My poison is vodka or wine. I can't stop drinking until I finish the bottle and my body, mind and soul can no longer take it. So I drink beer now. hah! That'll work. I kid myself but it is not as harsh on my body.

Alcohol is a depressant. Unfortunately I use it to reward myself when I feel good, to cheer me up when I'm depressed and the worse and most common is, I use it when I'm bored.

I just have to stop for a few days to gather momentum to continue not drinking. Then I feel positive about myself, my hands don't shake, I don't sweat, I can walk confidently and I can talk in front of a group of people without being self-conscious.

So it can get better. Just stop the cycle. Whatever it takes. Meetings, therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, drinking a ton of water instead. Try anything and everything until you find what can help you.

Re: Relapsed and scared

Unread postby Richie Rich » Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:24 pm

I would drive to work, hung over and tired, make it through the day and swear I would not drink that night.
But we all know what would happen next. After a good diner all memories of that rough day vanished and once the kids were in bed, out would come the bottle of rum. Isolating myself I would then repeat that uncontrollable cycle. I no longer had any control over what I was doing, my body/mind was on auto plot and I was just there for the ride.

One morning driving to work, hung over and tired, I asked God to help me. I was tired of being sick and tired. It's hard to describe what happen next, but after telling myself I would not drink that night (which I told myself a million times) something was different. I didn't want to quit for my kids, wife, or parents.... I wanted to quit for myself. My life was out of control and I couldn't live that way anymore.

I went to an A.A. meeting that night and I felt like I was home. Among friends. People who understand me.

Three years later, my life has changed in so many ways. I still have a long way to go but I'm a better father, husband, and son. The urge to drink has only reared it's ugly head 4 times in the past 3 years but I was able to deal with it, thanks to being part of this wonderful fellowship. I can't express my gratitude enough to the people of A.A. for all the lessons they've taught me.
That is why I continue to "keep coming back". Give A.A. an honest shot. What do you have to lose?

Richie Rich
Richie Rich

Re: Relapsed and scared

Unread postby jane doe » Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:53 pm

Good for you! I will keep you in my prayers. You are worth getting your life back! Your children and husband are also worth it! Hang in there and may you find the peace that you need inside yourself to help you beat this disease.
jane doe

Re: Relapsed and scared

Unread postby Guest » Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:27 pm


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