adult children

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adult children

Unread postby guest62 » Wed Aug 06, 2008 1:49 pm

Hi. Will try to keep this short, but not sure how successful I can be.

My ex husband was an alcoholic when we were married. We separated in 1994. I've raised our 4 kids mostly by myself for the past 14 years. Their dad has slowly but surely faded out of their lives, and the kids have very little contact with him. I was active in Alanon back in the 90s when his drinking was at it's height. He went to rehab and was sober, at least around me. He re-married in 2001 to a woman w/ 2 boys. They had 2 more children in the past 3 years. My oldest daughter, now 21 initiated contact with him 2 years ago on very specific, positive terms. In the past 3 months or so, she has said she believes he is delusional.

Ex was sent to jail last Oct thru July for non payment of child support and violation of his fed child support charges. When he was released July 8th, he went to Texas, where his "wife" lives. (wife is in quotes as she lists herself as engaged on her myspace, which is a change) At first, he called my daughter and said he was trying to establish a land line in the house. Last week, he called her repeatedly. He said that the wife had kicked him out, he had no money, was living in a shelter, wife has slept around and is a drug addict, oldest stepson is in jail... he has to save his children. (meaning the new babies age 1 and almost 3) Daughter was very upset and wished she could do something. She's a college student about to enter her senior year and works 2 jobs. My sister and sister in law were able to talk to her and help her feel better. Ex's sister also talked to my daughter and apologized for ex's behavior and inappropriateness.

Daughter and I have talked about it, and she was very calm. She asked about Alanon and I told her how it was for me, about meetings. etc. At this point, I just am at a loss. My kids had all made their peace with how things are with their dad and I thought, stupidly enough, that maybe we could enjoy a healthy life full of the regular challenges and joys. I sent my daughter a Courage to change book, and will be getting one for myself and I have signed into an online meeing. Does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks in advance.
guest62
 

Re: adult children

Unread postby Guest » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:20 am

I feel for you and your daughter. Thank God she's old enough to understand what's going on, talk about it and take action. However what does she want to do? Is she trying to help him? Does she want to stay away? As you know, Alanon is really the place where she should go for support. I'm sure by now she understands how addiction works and that she has to help herself. As much as she loves her dad, there's nothing she can do for him (how sad and frustrating this may be). I hope someone else on this board will have some ideas for you, but I think you're doing a great job supporting her.
Guest
 

Re: adult children

Unread postby guest62 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:11 pm

Hi.

Thanks for your response. I'm not really sure what she wants to do. I think in the midst of his many calls, she was tempted to send him money. Money she's earned working her fanny off as a full time student with 2 jobs. I know ex was in a Salvation Army shelter, which looks like it would have alot of good programs. Daughter is staying away as she is in the Phila. area and dad was in Houston/the Woodlands, TX... so any money she does have would probably be sucked up with travel if she went.

I think his parents are now involved. (and they are about 73 and 68-70 or so) Ex's sister spoke to my daughter and luckily has been in alanon as well. Daughter has the info we talked about, plus I just ordered a Courage to Change that is being sent out to her. (she has an apartment near her college)
guest62
 

Re: adult children

Unread postby Guest » Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:35 am

It sounds like both of you with the help of your ex's sister have the situation under control. Your daughter has to protect herself. Also it would be a shame to send him money because we all know money will be of no help whatsoever. Her father has to find the strength to get his life together again, and she has to find the strength to let go. Tough program for both of them...
Guest
 


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