We're just beginning to realize...

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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby e's sister » Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:06 pm

Dear Ryan's Sister,

I just came across your entry as I was desperately googling options to help my brother. I started to cry because of the similarities. Trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel. We have just started to realize that my brother has been stealing and someone even confronted one of my family members on the street to say that my brother owes his friend money. It is becoming a scary situation for my family and we do not know where to turn. Just like you, my parents aren't ready or willing to kick him out. As the sister, my role is unique because I do not live in the house with the rest of the family. I am scared for my family's safety, and of course for my brother. He has already been to rehab and is now relapsing and doesnt want help (or says he does not). One of the things that I came across in my research, though we have not tried it, is http://www.pennfoundation.org and http://www.pfrecoverycenter.org which are part of the same program. Read up and give them a call. One thing you can be thankful for is that you have the financial resources for when your brother is finally ready. It gives you many options that most do not have. Please keep us posted and know you are not alone.
e's sister
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:07 pm

Hi Everyone & Hi e's Sister,
I'm so sorry to hear your brother's relapsed I know how desperite you feel. Like you I don't live at home, I'm watching my family turn into shells of former people they used to be. All the stuff keeps dissapearing from the house, my parents yell all the time... my younger sister won't come home.
Ryan's obviously not doing well either. I've been driving up to PA every Saturday to go to NA meetings with him, NA bowling night... Again fooled. He was high today. However, tonight he said "yes" to a rehabilitation center. We'll see how tomorrow goes. We were going to try Today, Inc. tomorrow and see if that's a possibility, unless he bails out on us. He wants to go to Livengrin instead? Any thoughts on one or the other?
As always, thanks for your supportive posts.
Ryan's Sister
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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Fri Nov 21, 2008 5:58 pm

Ryan went to detox yesterday for 5 days and it looks like he will get a bed for 21 days if he will stay... I hope he stays.
We're all so drained. Suprisingly (as I'm sure many of you know) waiting to see if this is going to work is like torture.
I thought I would feel so much relief when he finally went, but now we sit and wait... and read stories of people who are relapsing, and pray to God it won't happen to your Brother (or child, or spouse...)

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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Guest » Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:24 am

Hi Ryan's sister,
I SO feel for you. All the hopes, all the waiting... All these are way too familiar to me and to all of us. I don't have anything to add really... I just want you to know that I/we understand how you feel. I read your messages, and I just nod my head. God bless you.
Guest
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby aurura1982 » Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:52 pm

Pray! Pray! Pray! The power of prayer is AMAZING!!!! Being a recovering addict and member of a 12-step/spiritual program myself; I can speak from experience, when I say this. A/A and N/A are not religion based. There is no comparing religion and spirituality. Many people do not realize the difference, or have never truly spent any time thinking about it. Noone could say or do anything that would make me SEE; until I was ready. The unselfish, love-filled prayers of others are what saved me. We were all mad at God or the higher power we choose, at one time or another. I am not trying to preach in anyway. He just is not the one who breeds anger or wants us condemned. The right comments at the right time may help. Finding out everything you could about these groups, people, and their purpose or objective, may help you with this. Keeping an open mind yourself while doing so. Praying for your brother unselfishly, and with complete love. Only for God's will, and not yours or anyone else's. Pray for him to open your brother's mind and heart to the unknown, a new way of life. We had learned to use drugs and alcohol to hide our fears, and help us cope with our feelings. Things we are terrified to face alone. Because we believe we are alone; when we truly are not. I have NEVER felt more accepted, understood or even like i belonged, anywhere. Until I walked through the doors of those meetings. When I sat down and listened to everyone speak from experience of their own stories, and realized they really were just like me. Some people say you have to hit bottom before you will accept help. I don't believe that at all. There are two different ways. When the pain is great enough,or when you want it bad enough. Sometimes it has to be both. Al-non is great for you. To get a better understanding of what he is, and has went through. Go to a few regular meetings; then maybe you can get on his level, and God will give you the words, the right words. It is very hard to first realize, and admit you are an alcoholic or addict. In my case both. Then to understand it. Last, but most important: truly accept it, learn how to deal with it, and begin recovering from it. When he begins to heal and forgives himself; then the family can begin to heal. If you go to a few of these meetings, you may just be able to get him to join you. You need to know also, that these people are so accepting, compassionate, and Understanding; they have been there. I should say we; we have been there. That we do Not care if he is still drinking and using. Only that he has made it through those doors. So on that note Ryan's Sister, you are in my prayer's and so is Ryan.
aurura1982
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Guest » Tue Apr 07, 2009 4:20 pm

Guest wrote:Hello Ryan's Sister,

I want to start by saying that I'm sorry for your mom, and that I feel for you. You won't be attacked or judged on this board. We all went (are going) through something similar. Who knows what we're supposed to do? It is such a frustrating and painful situation that even talking about it requires a lot. As far as a rehab in Bucks is concerned, I don't know if there is any, however you may want to call your township. A lot of them now offer programs that are free. They can also recommend a facility suitable for your brother. But you cannot force him to go to rehab.

Did you try to go to some Al-Anon meetings? They are very helpful and a great way to keep your sanity. Addicted people think they only hurt themselves... I wish it was true.

Come back if you wish.

Iam very confused my friend well ( i really care about him) has been threw hell with his addiction though he tried to hide it!
he spent 11 months in jail ,got out on a home plain, with a ankle bracelet !and still screwed up! so he did 72 hrs back in jail and 1 day after he got out he wanted it again he was so sick! i took him to get oxys! how dumb of me but i was so upset!
I care about him so much! i dont know what to do! hes such a great person when hes not high!
and the worst part is! his father and sister, both do the drug!(herion) is his drug of choice! or oxys!
can anyone help me ! help him! he goes to meetings 5 days a week! but he just comes out of there wanting to get high!
he wont stay away from his old friends ive tried everything! even going to church with him! nothing works for long!
please give me some adivce! Lorrie
Guest
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:26 pm

I figured I should check in. Thank you all again for the advice, kind words, prayers, and aurura1982 Thank you for your heartfelt post.
Thank you also for the emails to see how we are doing and asking for advice, I wish I could give you.

I wish I could say Ryan is doing better. He's been detoxed 5-6 times, in recovery houses, inpatient treatment, to the family physician... and now on day 5 of methadone.
I will not ever stop loving Ryan. And if he continues to try to get clean, I will support him. I just wish we were stronger back when this all started. I wish we stood firm, didn't tolorate the early signs... binge drinking... a perocet with alcohol, etc... I wish we could have seen where this was going.

I am in no position to give advice, but if I could do it again, I wouldn't wait to see if it would go away. I wouldn't minimize the "problems". I would have pushed harder when he was under 18. I couldn't have loved him more, but I would have shown him how much I did by acting like it mattered more.

Ryan overdosed a month ago. I wasn't scared or panicked like I thought I might be. I was just suprised he lived, the paramedic said he restarted his heart twice. I was suprised he did. I was suprised he came home that night. But I wasn't suprised he was high two days later.

The hardest part these days isn't about Ryan getting better anymore. It's the wake of disaster my family has been left in. We are no longer the people, the unit, the group we once were. We let this addiction taken that away from us - in a way that I know only you or a family of an addict can understand. The most we communicate about is Ryan's next steps, how Ryan's doing, how sick he looks, has anyone seen him... We will never be the same us again. I miss my baby brother, his laugh, his smile, his inquisitive mind, his "off" sence of humor... and now I also miss my family.

Aurura1982 posted about the power of prayer. Not being much af a prayer person in the past, I figured it was the last thing I really needed to do. I do pray now, every single day of my life. I don't pray for Ryan to magically get better, just for him to find a reason to fight, just to see that life can be better. The fight needs to come from him, I just hope he can find something in himself worth fighting for.

So I'm sorry to not post great news. I wish I could give someone the answer like I wished someone would give me. But I don't give up, just on days like today I realize we may not win. Tommorrow may be different. Tomorrow will be day 6 on methadone, then day 7 hopefully...

I wish those of you going through this strength, hope and courage. You need it.
Thank you,
Ryan's Sister
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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby MCsquared » Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:05 am

Ryan's Sister,

Your words ring so true with me. My sister, as many addicts out there, travels the same road. The most frightening part is that our families, and the families of those who suffer with this, typically are never the same. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me to deal with. The fact that every interaction with my family is different or tweaked because I've removed myself in so many ways from being part of her life.

I will spare the details of her recovery efforts over the last seven years, or the enabling behavior of my family and their struggle to make the right choices in helping her. There is no difference.

I too found the power of prayer and mediation recently. I say a prayer for my sister each day. It is a powerful way to restore peace and balance to our lives and sometimes the only way we can "help" our siblings.

I respect your dedication to your involvement in your brother's recovery. It is something that I couldn't do with my sister. Something that she really resents me for doing - but that I know was the healthiest decision for me. You strength is an example for us all.

You and your family will be in my prayers,

MC
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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:15 pm

Just a quick note...
Tomorrow marks one month of Methadone for Ryan. We think, we hope.
A family member takes him to the clinic every morning and he continues to go.

I didn't really want Ryan to go on a support drug, but nothing else was working. Don't know why I felt that way? I guess I just wanted it all to go away.
One thing I do know is Ryan is NASTY mean on Methadone (or off heroine)!!! Which I suppose is probably normal.

You never know what if anything is going to work. Then maybe something will.
I know a month off heroine is far from sober living, but I take what I can get for now.

For those of you that commented, read and understood, emailed... you have kept me coming back.
I asked over a year ago when I first posted not to be judged and no one has.
I didn't know I needed support or understanding. I bet a lot of other people don't either.

Maybe next month with be 2!!!
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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Guest » Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:35 am

A month off heroine is a BIG step in the right direction. Kudos to him and kudos to you for your support :)
Keep us posted on his progress!!!!
Guest
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Guest » Mon Sep 21, 2009 5:35 pm

[qu
Ryan's Sister wrote:Just a quick note...
Tomorrow marks one month of Methadone for Ryan. We think, we hope.
A family member takes him to the clinic every morning and he continues to go.

I didn't really want Ryan to go on a support drug, but nothing else was working. Don't know why I felt that way? I guess I just wanted it all to go away.
One thing I do know is Ryan is NASTY mean on Methadone (or off heroine)!!! Which I suppose is probably normal.

You never know what if anything is going to work. Then maybe something will.
I know a month off heroine is far from sober living, but I take what I can get for now.

For those of you that commented, read and understood, emailed... you have kept me coming back.
I asked over a year ago when I first posted not to be judged and no one has.
I didn't know I needed support or understanding. I bet a lot of other people don't either.

Maybe next month with be 2!!!
Ryan's Sister
ote="Ryan's Sister"]Just a quick note...
Tomorrow marks one month of Methadone for Ryan. We think, we hope.
A family member takes him to the clinic every morning and he continues to go.

I didn't really want Ryan to go on a support drug, but nothing else was working. Don't know why I felt that way? I guess I just wanted it all to go away.
One thing I do know is Ryan is NASTY mean on Methadone (or off heroine)!!! Which I suppose is probably normal.

You never know what if anything is going to work. Then maybe something will.
I know a month off heroine is far from sober living, but I take what I can get for now.

For those of you that commented, read and understood, emailed... you have kept me coming back.
I asked over a year ago when I first posted not to be judged and no one has.
I didn't know I needed support or understanding. I bet a lot of other people don't either.

Maybe next month with be 2!!!
Ryan's Sister[/quote]
:) :) :) I understand what your going through. i never thought it would be so hard, always stepping on stones. my 16 year old daughter is in Today for 45 days, is was the best thing i have ever done. they have be great and she is a different person. she comes home on friday oct 2, 2009. i will be looking for support on this sit like you have. i hope i can be strong and do this. i cant wait for her to come home, then in another thought i dont want her home, i have been able to sleep and have a life not worring about her. is this the right thoughts to have....
Guest
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Guest » Tue Sep 22, 2009 6:15 am

Hi Guest,
YES, these are legitimate thoughts!!! On one hand you want her home, on the other hand not having to worry makes life so much easier. Never deny your own thoughts and emotions. Do you go to meetings to get help and support (like alanon)? It feels good to know that you are not alone and that we all have the same thoughts...
Guest
 

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:41 am

2 Months... and still on Methadone!
It's strange to see the person Ryan has become over the past 2 months. I'm so happy he's not out and high all the time, but he has not developed socially since he started all of this @ 15. At 21 he acts just like a 15 year old. I know these things will come with time. But he is coming to family events and making jokes, playing with the little kids... I never thought I would see that again.
I know these sound like small steps, but I really never thought I would see Ryan happy again. God I hope this keeps working!

To "Guest" who asked about feelings of wanting them to stay in rehab... they are absolutely normal! Some of my best nights sleep (and my family) were with Ryan in rehab. We didn't have to lock the doors everytime we left a room, make sure you had your purse with you all the time, no fighting about money/ going out... I always wished he stayed longer.
I remember feeling that I wished he wouldn't come home, for my family's sake. And worse after his overdose, that if he planned to kill himself not to keep dragging my parents through this heartache any longer. They're just thoughts to deny them is not fair to the abuse your probably already putting yourself through... could I have done something different, could I have loved them more...
There are al-anon and similar support groups to help you identify your feelings or just understand they are normal. I was suprised to know that support was helpful. I thought you did this alone.

Again thank you for the support and encouragement!
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Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postby Ryan's Sister » Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:45 am

So it's been 1 year and 7 months ago that Ryan started Methadone. I would like for you to know that Ryan is doing well.
It occurred to me one day that this is the hardest thing I have ever seen anyone have to fight. Your own mind, the desire to convince yourself not to get high, while your mind is also trying to convince you to stay high.
Ryan is an amazing person and I am so proud of him for his strength. Ryan now goes to church faithfully, meetings faithfully and is beginning to help other users with their addiction. I really thought I'd never see this day.
I wanted you all to know that sometimes it works. I thought mutliple trips to detox with repeated failure meant it wasn't going to work. I thought that overdosing meant nothing was going to work. Support works (with rules), love works (without co-dependancy) and prayer works.

I understand that this may not be forever. But I now know what I will do (and not do) if Ryan ever relapses.
As always, thank you for the support and kind words. They were more help than you know.

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