Well, it's been about a month since I decided I needed to start to deal with my problems with alcohol. I have been trying to deny that I am an alcoholic for years now, but my life seems at this point to be totally unmanageble. I am not sure which came first, my depression and low self esteem, or my binge drinking. I am not someone who drinks every day... but I have absolutely no control over how much I drink once I start. Once I am drunk, everything goes down hill and I am lucky that worse things have not happened. But, I turn into a completely different person when I am drinking. I act lke an A-hole, I get involved with the wrong men, I fall down, I get kicked out of bars, I say all kinds of things I shouldn't say... and worst of all I drive. How I have never gotten into an accident, or had a DUI I have no idea!!
This summer has been a real struggle for me. I have been going to AA meetings almost everday-- but I have not managed to completely stop drinking. I have a beach house with a bunch of friends, and drinking is all part of our daily routine. I have tried to curbe my drinking, and a few times it has worked... I stayed home while everyone went to the bar, and one night I even went out and somehow managed to not drink. But over all, I have found it impossible to stay completely sober.. and I haven't really wanted to. I just want to keep denying that I have a problem and "enjoying" myself.
Then on Saturday I started drinking at a day party around 1pm and somehow I ended up in Atlantic city... still at the blackjack table around 11am-- still drinking. Not only did I lose the $1500 I was up at one point, but I lost another $600 that I could NOT afford to lose. I slept in my car, then came back to my house feeling like a complete loser, and have been depressed ever since. I know that this is no way to live. I just don't know any other way. I would REALLY love to go away for a month.. but I don't have the best insurance, and I feel like every program I have looked into is over $20K. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?? Also, I am in Avalon for the week, and would love to find a meeting nearby.
if anyone wants to contact me, my email is
melissamcgarry@live.com THANKS!!