im torn

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im torn

Unread postby confused » Mon Dec 01, 2008 2:48 pm

i really dont know what to do, my boyfriend has had a heroin addiction, he got off and took suboxone, and when he was done with that he was fine for a couple months until i found needles and bags in the trunk of his car. then he put himself through detox, and was clean for about another two months and picked up another habit from what i know. he just recently gotten out of a rehab, he said he wasnt using but needed the support, he has lied to me, he has stolen off of me, i dont know what to do, i feel like everyday is another lie and everyday he looks high. i dont kno if it is just me thinking that or if he is really getting high. i want to support him in his efforts to stay clean, but i dont want to excuse him of being high either. i did find two bags last week in his pocket, he said they were in his car and wanted to throw them out before i thought anything. i believe him all the time, and i really think i shouldnt. i cant deal with being lied to and believing it and then to find out it really was a lie. now the other day he was working on the car and cut his hand, might have nerve damage and need to get surgery, he didnt get the prescription to percocets but calls me this morning and asked me if i went out into his car because he had gotten suboxone from one of his friends for the pain in his hand. he thought i had seen them when i didnt go out to his car, i dont even waste my time driving myself crazy searching his stuff anymore. i cant do that to myself. i dont know if the suboxone is really for the pain, i have read it is only used for pain when it is used as an injection form, i dont know if he is just really getting high again. i dont know what to think about any of this, i cant believe him but i do, i have two kids and i love him to death all i wanna do is help him everyway i can, but i dont know how to anymore, i want to give up and just walk away but im afraid i cant do it without his help. can anyone give me any advice please
confused
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Re: im torn

Unread postby Unknown » Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:40 pm

Hi...
I am sorry to hear the story from you. I do not have any kind of hx. of alcohol and/or drug abuse. I am a nursing student from MCCC, I have to attend AA meeting for my school purpose so I was checking out AA meeting. I would suggest one thing.

Please dont let him do that to you. Inform him that You are going to inform police next time when he takes drug. You have two kids and you do not want to create bad impression about their father. Keep checking his car's trunk every now and then ,and keep reminding him that he told you he was OFF from drugs. See, what happens. see, what is his reply. If he was off, what are the drugs doing in the car. If he says, its his friends, tell him to call his friends and have him verify in front of you. Also, I would suggest you to trash those drugs before he picks it up and starts using. Call doctor or Get tylenol or advil for his pain. Make sure he is not taking any drugs through the IV or thru injection.

I hope it helps. Good luck and I will pray for you.
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Re: im torn

Unread postby hope_this _helps » Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:58 pm

There are alot of quality single men out there that you can have a great life with. Being involved with a junkie is a total waste of your time. Every minute you waste with them is a minute that could be spent building a new positive relationship and future. The real questions is whats wrong with you that you need to be with someone like that? Find your truth and seek support. NA groups can be a great start to find support.
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Re: im torn

Unread postby Guest » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:59 pm

You can not believe anything he says, it is the addiction talking. He wants to do the right thing, he does not want to disappoint you, but the addiction takes over. In addiction you have no choices, you have to get high. In recovery you have choices to make. He needs to hit his bottom and unfortunately you are always there for him, giving support. Find out where there are Al-Anon meetings in your area. They will help you deal with the addict and set boundaries. You have enough on your plate bringing up two children, you need a partner, not another child. Al-Anon will give support and offer suggestions. There will be people there who are going through the same things as you. Take a chance, do something for yourself.
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Re: im torn

Unread postby confused » Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:41 pm

thank you everyone. it has helped a lil trying to deal. he hasnt been here the past couple of days, so that makes it a lil easier in a way. if he dont get it together, im really gonna have to pull myself together to leave him, ill have to be strong, i havent reached that point yet. like you've all said, there's other men out there, he needs to hit rock bottom and lose us, but its hard right now for me, i still need his lil support that he gives to me. im just not ready for all that yet. one minute i want to leave, but then i cant, like one minute i kick him out and then i call him and ask him to come home. i feel like i need to watch him, yes like he's a lil kid (thats really sad) i feel like maybe if he's here he cant get high, but he;ll find a way im sure.he;ll leave at some time. i just always worry about him. he left the other day when i ask he to show me his $60 worth of prescriptions from walgreens and when i found the empty bag on the floor of his car (it was an old bag he said? how many old bags could there be? they are always old bags! he thinks im so dumb, i kind of am tho cause i kinda wanna believe that knowing its a lie, i just want security). he doesnt know where the pills were, they were in the back of the car, and then he throw the bottles out cause he was done taking them. i know its a lie. now he wants to get on suboxone, he's suppose to go tomorrow to talk to the doctor. i know he feels as though he cant do this sobriety with out the substitute. to me, i feel like its all the same, you eliminating one drug for another drug, thats all it is. cause when you dont have them to depend on you have the withdraw. i just hate the lies, he's not the same person anymore and i cant stand it. i think the suboxone will help him, maybe us, but id rather him not be on it, i know he could be strong enough to do with out, but i have no choice, i cant say no to it cause he will do it regardless. i think it will ease my mind too knowing that he's on that, just as long as he keeps coming home. we'll see what happens, he says we need therapy, i feel like he needs it, not me, but its not going to hurt me, it can only make things better so ill have to try it out. its just so hard at times, i didnt sign up for this, i love him and want to support him, but i can only take so much
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Re: im torn

Unread postby Guest » Fri Dec 26, 2008 7:45 pm

i just want to say that i know how you feel. i also have 2 little kids and my boyfriend was doing everything, everynight. he would never be home and if he was we were arguing. finally he got locked up.. for a dui. he spent 6 months in jail, and even though it was hard for me to take care of the kids, it was such a relief to not have him there. it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, i didnt have to watch him, and i didnt have to worry about him all the time, because i knew what he was doing. now he has admitted that he has a problem and is going to start going to meetings. seriously sometimes it is easier to just leave. you or the kids dont need to go through it.
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Re: im torn

Unread postby jft. » Sat Dec 27, 2008 7:58 pm

hi joe d im a recovering addict. i was on methodon 4 5yrs.what he is telling u. is not the truth?hisw eyes will be pined.but most of all what ar u. going to do?
jft.
 

Re: im torn

Unread postby confused » Sun Dec 28, 2008 9:49 pm

i know what he looks like when he is high, i have seen it before in my ex as well as him. he has been on the suboxone for a couple weeks now, i have also been taking cymbalta for my anxiety, which has been helping alot. he's coming down to last of his suboxone not sure exactly what he's gonna do now, cause you still have withdraw with that. he says he wants to get off it. its only been a couple weeks, i dont even know why he started taking it. well i do, i know he was gettin high, i found the bags and he said they were the old ones in his pocket, but how many old bags could there possible be. i know he got the suboxone so i wouldnt know and just think its for his hand. im not a stupid girl. i can be naive at times tho. right now everything is going alright. we just had a really nice christmas, and he's been putting money toward our bills. he's been messing up at work, he's scared he might lose his job, i cant afford that and either can he. i kno if he does its down hill from there. i told him if he looses his job, he has to leave. he's been on and off jobs for as long as i can remember now. well see how it goes, only time can tell what will happen next. thank you guys
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Re: im torn

Unread postby thoughts » Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:14 am

confused...you are not stupid for wanting to help him. it is really hard to watch the people we love around us destroy their lives. unfortunately until he is willing to admit to you and himself that he has a problem again/still he is not going to get help. and seeing as he is still making excuses (cut hand, old bags, etc), he is not ready to admit what is going on. you need to think about the safety, physically and emotionally of you and your children. generally things get worse before they get better; some people call that hitting bottom, but whatever you call it, you cannot be enough for the both of you if he is not willing/able to be enough for himself.
i would second the Al-Anon meetings for you and your children (depending on how old they are) so you can get support for dealing with his addiction and your need to help him. boundaries and setting limits are important in addiction. sometimes what looks like support is actually enabling and allowing the behavior and addiction to continue. it also seems like you are being greatly effected emotionally in regard to anxiety and concerns about your children. support from meetings and being able to talk to other friends about your situation will help. whether you find someone knew to be with that can respect you and themself or your partner gets help and stays sober, it is important that you needs and your childrens needs are met and supported. hope that helps.
thoughts
 

Re: im torn

Unread postby amie16 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 9:02 pm

Sweetheart, You need to open your eyes and face the truth. He is using and lying to you. You have to stand up for yourself and show him that you are not dumb and that you know he is using. I understand you love him but you have to give him tough love. Addicts will walk over and manipulate the ones who care for them the most. You cant change him and you can;t make him stop using. He needs to want this on his own. By you staying with him is enabling and can make the situation worse. You need to be strong for your kids and remove yourself and them from this situation before they get hurt in someway. And its not good for your bf to be in and out of the kids life. It will be hard to leave him but you dont have to leave him for good. Explain yourself to him that YOU cant do this anymore bc you will drive yourself crazy, sick, uncomfortable, and unhappy. Tell him once he gets his shit together the two of you can work things out. Get support, gain self esteem and self worth you can pull through this. You may struggle but it gets better. Best of luck and hope this was a help!
amie16
 

Re: im torn

Unread postby Lorr0405 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:53 pm

I am going through the same thing you are. i have 3 children and my fiance is on parole and he is injecting herion again. i finally took the steps to call his parole officer and tell him whats going on. it is very hard to do that but you have to do that for yourself and for the kids. His choice is go to rehab or go back to jail. I dont know what he is going to choose but for once i am not concerned about him.just know that is not your fault no matter what he says or how he makes you feel. and get yourself in a program I start my first one this week. I finally come to realize that i am co dependent. I am not sure if i am going to be with him anymore after rehab. I think its time for me to selfish and think of myself and not trying to "fix" someone. Starting reading up on some co dependcy books im sure they will help. addicts will always lie and im sure those bags are new. he is not hurting you or the kids on purpose remember that its not you. Do whats best for yourself and you children
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Re: im torn

Unread postby johndavid1 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:48 am

hi its easier said then done jsut to walk aaway i know i also have 2 kids and they love there father so much there to little to see what we can . i feel like if i walk away from my alcoholic husband my kids will blame me for that . i think we have to relize that we are worth it we can do it theres help in small places out there just make a plan and then do it i think we would be very proud of ourselves and give our kids a better atmosphere and then maybe that will be there rock bottom us leaving idk im feel your pain its very confussing keep your head up and do alot of praying alot .....
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