in need of support

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in need of support

Unread postby Addict_Mitch » Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:56 am

hey everybody, my names mitch and i'm an addict... im 18 yrs old, live in deleware county and thats about it! i currently have 1 day clean, and i've been struggling for a while. you could say 4 weeks or so, but you could also say 5 months. I've been involved in the program of narcotics anonymous for almost 2 years now. i had managed to attain 18 months of continuous clean time and made the much regretted choice of throwing it all away back in September '08. I was a huge coke head from age 14-16, then i got clean. However, when i relapsed, i was too afraid to go back to the coke, so i picked up a lovely opiate habit. I overdosed December 9th after taking 2 ecstasy pills and 160 miligrams of oxiconton. December 10th i made the decision to go into in-patient treatment at Mirmont in Lima,PA. I stayed from the 10th until January 2nd and did very well. I'd started to amend some relationships with my family and non-using friends, as well as gained some farther insight about just how my diseased mind ticks. I lasted about a week out of rehab before choosing to go to a rave in West Philly. Needless to say, i relapsed on multiple HARD drugs that night as well as acted on many behaviors i haven't seen in a while. Since that night, it's been like a tennis match with me being in and out of the rooms. My willingness has been fluxuating daily. Today i feel great, willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Yesterday i didn't give a damn about NA. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I just cant take the bouncing back and forth thing much longer. It's been difficult because my clean date was March 14,2007, so i keep thinking 'If only you didnt f*ck it all up, you'd have 2 years in a month!'. i know i need to let go of what i HAD and focus on what i HAVE, but sub-consciously i cant seem to fully let go. I've been going on random binges lasting from 1 day to 4 days, and then coming back to the rooms for the same period of time. It's so frustrating to have such difficulty with this, considering i KNOW i can do it because i've done it before. I have a very supportive, loving, and caring sponsor, an awesome support group, and very supportive family and friends, yet i can't seem to grasp this thing. Sooner or later, this stuff is gonna kill me, and I'm too frickin young to die! I've lost numerous friends to this disease as well as my father. I need some input from anyone that will give it. I've been hearing pretty much the same stuff from the same people for the past month and it's starting to have no impact. Thank you very much in advance to any/all who reply to my post.


~Addict called Mitch
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Re: in need of support

Unread postby just believe » Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:22 am

I am not an addict but a mom of a 20 year old addict son. For some, people are the own worst enemies. My son lost his girlfriend and a few friends as well. You just have to want to change and no one can do that for you as much as people would like to, they can't. My son told that to me the other day, he is doing fine, but he struggles with the people. places things. Have a goal, for today I will not use, I will work out, eat right, work, study, whatever it maybe and stay away from people places and things that might trigger you off. Somewhere deep inside of you, you want to change or you wouldn't of written your blog. Believe in yourself and take baby steps, you are young and you can turn your life around and make a mends with those you might of hurt along the way. It can be done, it will be hard to resist, but you have to be strong. Go to your NA/AA meetings, everyday if you have to .
"When those condemning voices and thoughts attempt to pummel your self-image with comments on going to use, look in the mirror an say you are better than that and take control of your life, you are 18 and the world is yours. I just wish I could get through all the young people that drugs and alcohol will not make you happy, you think it will take all your troubles away but it will only double them. Believe in yourself, you can do it, if you did it 18 months you can go longer....Just believe
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Re: in need of support

Unread postby ampere222 » Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:40 pm

Hello Mitch. Want to start off by saying that I am a recovering addict myself at the age of 30. I also got sober for the first time in recovery in 2002 when I was 23 years old considered a younger age in many of the rooms at any meeting you go to. I stayed sober for four and a half years and relapsed in jan of 07. The most important thing I think to remember is that staying sober should be your number one priority in life right now. It is not a picnic in any sense of the matter and only gets easier if you put the work into it. When you first get sober and go to meetings it is all about putting down the drink and the drug. After a while when you start to work on your steps it starts to change in changing who you are on the inside. You didnt turn into a drug addict over night and your certainly not gonna be able to function easily without it right away but it can be done if you do the things that you are supposed to do. By that I mean meetings, steps, sponsor, service work and most of all changing your attitudes and behaviors little by little every day. Doing the right thing is the most important thing you can do and that is God's will for you. If you have all of those things in your life your chances of picking up drugs again will almost be none. I relapsed because I stopped doing all the things I did when I first got sober. Helping other addicts was the most important thing in my recovering and still is because it takes us out of ourselves and makes us do things we are not custom to doing that is be unselfesh and self centered. When you think of using drugs just think that this feeling will pass in the next couple minutes or seconds and take a couple of deep breaths and pray to whoever you wanna pray to it is up to you. You had 18 months sober before and certainly means that you can do it but each time you pick up it will only get harder and harder. I only know this because it has happened to me. You are 18 and the world is yours. You cant change the past but certainly the future because at this point forward your and everybody's future is utterly flawless. It is what you make of it. There is a difference between be sober and recovering. Sober is putting down the drink or drug. Recovering is changing the old addict and turning it into the person you should be by changing the inner essence of yourself through doing the right things in life and most of all helping the next guy who walks in the room and has that look of desparation in his eyes by reaching out your hand. God bless you and good luck in your sobriety and hopefully one day you will realize how much of a gift living sober really is.
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Re: in need of support

Unread postby Just4Today » Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:44 pm

I'm sure you've heard it, but you have to surrender to win bro. If you sincerly pray for the obsession to be removed I promise you god will take care of you in his time. Get on your knees, cry your eyes out, do whatever and he will give you a day clean. Every move you make after that ask yourself one question. Is this bring me closer to a drug or further away from a drug. If your honest with yourself on the answer you can have a peaceful contented life where you don't have to fight the urge. Believe it or not you will NOT want to pick up. I've done it since I've gotten clean and I have over 3 years now..............note I'm not a 1st time winner either. It took alot of trial and error before I finally gave up and became open minded to suggestions. Good luck.
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Re: in need of support

Unread postby beatmydmns » Fri Mar 13, 2009 6:23 pm

Hey mitch I am aslo from Delaware county . I have had a big problem with oxycontins . I am 3 months clean and at first I could go about 2 weeks before I got antsy . And I think that is because people in recovery spend to much time bummin out that they can't get high ever again in there life . I cheated a little and went on the Suboxone witch was just the greatest thing ever . It pushed me passes that last hurdle and made me realize you just need to worry about not getting high today . And you will be fine . Email me if you wanna talk more or hit a meeting carptmncb@aol.com bart
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