scared confused and lost

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scared confused and lost

Unread postby ari » Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:47 pm

So im 22 years old and i've been using drugs and alcohols since middle school but it never really became a problem until about 3 years ago. Growing up i always felt like my parents tried to control me and my choices, essentially who i was and who i wanted to be. My curfew was always earlier than my friends even as a senior in high school, my parents wanted to know where i was at all times and who i was with i wasnt allowed to go out during the school week unless i lied and told them i was going to a friends show or something that i couldnt just do on another night. I smoked weed for the first time in 6th grade and while i liked it and smoked fairly often it was never something that i felt the need to do or cared if i didnt do. I started socially drinking in 8th grade and by the end of high school i drank a lot and quite a lot, but even then i was still pretty much under my parents control with the exception of my weekend drinking that i got away with by sleeping out or sneaking in the house as quietly as possible so i wouldnt wake them up, still it wasnt really a problem i was drinking like most high school students my age and i wasnt doing anything to jeapordize my future. Then my freshman year of college i went away to syracuse i was a varsity cheerleader as a freshman and i had everything going for me except that for the first time in my life i felt completley free from my parents control and constant nagging about how i wasnt putting enough effort out or how i never felt as though anything i did was good enough for them because i wasnt an overacheiver like my nearly perfect sister. Thats when things started to get out of hand, i was drinking every night and often drank til i blacked out, i started using coke and pretty often. Finally after only one semester i was sent home from school on medical leave because my roomate had been informing my RA everytime i came back to the room drunk which was pretty much anytime i went back to my room at night. After i got sent home i stopped drinking and doing coke cold turkey and after a couple weeks went to inpatient rehab. when i got out i was going to iop three nights a week and working and taking summer classes so that i could return to school in the fall. i was doing well and i was getting my life back on track, i wasnt drinking or using coke or smoking weed for about 6 months. then when the fall started to creep up and the time to go back to school was looming i decided not to go back yet because i was too scared and decided to keep going to community college for a little while. Thats when things started to get bad again, i slowly stopped going to my classes because i was in the parking lot smoking or occasionally doing perks or kpins( my friend was perscribed the kpins) thats also when i started going to raves and when i met my boyfriend. For a few months myself my boyfriend and my best friend were going to raves at least twice a month sometimes more, sometimes 2 raves in a row on the weekend. I managed to still do well in my classes because of my natural intelligence and for a while my parents didnt know that i was using again they just thought i was a little depressed, and i was, because the school that i was going to wasnt challenging and i felt like i was surrounded by idiots all the time. The next semester was much worse however i started selling coke and doing about an eightball a day myself sometimes more i lost about 15 lbs which after a year i still havent been able to gain back fully, and thats when using started becoming my life again. I was managing my schedule around picking up coke to have and to sell, sometimes i even went between my classes and would come back late. not long after i'd started selling i lost my job and then selling became even more important and so did using coke. finally my boyfriend and i both decided hat this was not what we wanted for ourselves and both quit cold turkey and things were good i was still going to raves but i wasnt taking hits and bombs and doing nitrous everytime and i wasnt taking as many as i would have in the past. then one of my best friends from high school ratted me out to my parents and they stopped thinking that my problem was just depression and maybe a little bit of drug or alcohol use. They started going through my things and randomly drug testing me and treating me like i was 5 again they even tried to make me break up with my boyfriend and force me to not hang out with my friends even though half the friends they wanted me to stop hanging out with were the ones not using and trying to make me quit. after that i started to feel trapped again and didnt know any other way to feel in control except to rebel by using. id found a new job and had been working again for a while at this point and at first i was saving money and not really using that much i was still smoking weed and i was doing percs on occasion but i wasnt using to the extent of times before that however my parents didnt seem to see things that way even though the only thing showing up on my drug tests was weed and even though i felt trapped again enough time had passed since the last incident that theyd given me back my phone and my car to go to work but they constantly told me that i wasnt doing anything with my life and did i want to be a waitress for the rest of my life because i was taking a break from school and only working, however i was working at least 30 hours a week every week sometimes more. Thats when i started doing percs on a regular basis at first only a few a day and then slowly over time i started using more because i was now working almost 40 hours a week every week working 6 out of 7 days and picking up as many shifts as i could to get away from my house. i was isolating myself from my family and all the working was taking its toll on my body and thats when i started doing a lot of percs every single day. i started going to work just so that i could get high that night and the next day i was constantly pickin up shifts to keep up with my habit. then about 3 months ago my parents kicked me out of the house which is something i never thought would happen and theyd always said theyd never do. but none the less i found myself living in my crazy best friends parents home sleeping on a couch in a room that they used for storage. i felt even more hopeless and trapped than i already did and just kept right on at the percs it got to the point where i was managing my life around working to get money finding someone holding and then finding a ride i was even paying people to take me if i had to. after about a little under 2 months living there i lost my job and kept on using. finally about 2 weeks ago i decided i didnt want to do percs anymore and starting taking suboxone to ween myself off without withdrawing and i felt really good about it. yesterday my parents picked me and my things up and i moved back home but now i'm worried that im just going to start using again because they want to control me and force my recovery on me and in the way they feel i should be recovering even though neither one of them is an addict or alcoholic the only experience they have with it other than me is my oldest sister. theyre going to randomly drug test me and want me to go to meetings a counselor and iop and ive agreed to some of it but i also still want to have a life which is probably one of my biggest concerns at this point, i just want to be a normal 22 year old who can go out and have fun with her friends without having to tell my parents where im going and who with and when ill be home like im in middle school again and i dont want recovery to be my life while i do want it in my life. but at the same time i feel like im giving up part of who i am and a big part of my twenties. i want to go back to school and i want to get my life back together but at the same time i feel like im not ever going to have a normal life after this im not going to be able to go out with my friends and go to the bar if i want to im not going to be able to do things that normal 22 year olds do and thats probably whats been holding me back the most. i'm scared to give up this part of my life and lose who i am because of it. especially since my parents want me to drop my friends and my boyfriend even though they dont really know any of them and the ones that they think are the problem are the ones who dont use, and even though me and my boyfriend raved together and have used together in the past he's the one who helped me quit coke and hes the one who helped me not drink the way that i used to since we've been together and hes the one who helped me quit percs and find out about suboxone so i wouldnt feel the need to go back to them and hes also the one who really pushed me to go home and get my life back in order. im just scared that when they realize im not going to dump him once im in recovery that theyre going to think hes holding me back because they blame him for a lot of my drug use. i feel very stuck and alone and scared and kind of hopeless does anybody have any advice for me?
ari
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Re: scared confused and lost

Unread postby Guest » Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:41 am

Get help: Go to AA and/or NA meetings. That is if you want to get better. Also read the messages on this board. People here pretty much share the same story. You will learn a lot, you will relate, you will think it's your story. Then take action. It's tough, but you have nothing to lose. Just your life to reclaim.
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