Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

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Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby mmmarlaaa » Mon Feb 01, 2010 7:58 pm

Hi, my name's Marla, and I'm an addict (Wow, this seems all too familiar).
I went to rehab in January, 2009, the same day a friend of mine overdosed on heroine for the last time, and passed away. His father then took his life from the pain of losing his son. I stayed in rehab for 38 days and then came out a new Marla. I went to a meeting that very night, and continued to make meetings 3 times a week on average. I relapsed in April 2009, but (I may sound like an addict here,) only on weed and alcohol. I thought that it was OK because it wasn't heroine anymore and I wasn't an *alcoholic* anymore (yeah, right). I thought I had my stuff under control, but it didnt take long to get outta control again. Anyways, I met this amazing guy, Robert, who is now my fiance. He;s completely sober, but by choice. He's just never done drugs and he never drank excessively. (I sometimes envy him for never being an addict because I wish it was that easy for me to just pass on something). I have been sober again, thanks to robert for a couple of months, but there's one problem. Even though I haven't had it in my body, my mind still fiends for it. And not heroine or coke or alcohol, but just weed. My mind wants to get high so bad and right now I'm looking for a new job so that's keeping me from smoking but once I pass the drug test I'm scared that there will be nothing holding me back from smoking pot anymore. Robert works full-time so I rarely ever see him during the day time and sometimes I just want to call my old using friends so bad. Even though I deleted their numbers from my cellphone, I still know the numbers in my head and I want to call them and go use. I want to go to meetings, but the last time I was sober I was greedy and was always sharing about stuff just to get attention. I feel embarassed to go back because people probably think that I just want attention again. And my old sponsor worked a lot and just got custody of her daughter back so since she was so busy she could never respond to my calls right away and eventually I just relapsed. It's not that she's not a good person, and not a good sponsor, she just wasn't capable of meeting all my needs. I relapsed at 85 days because the 90 mark scared me, and I'm not really sure what I should do.....

What SHOULD i do????

please help =[
<3; MarlaMarie
mmmarlaaa
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby Guest » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:13 am

Hey Marla, DON'T FALL BACK INTO THE CRAZY CYCLE OF USING. It sounds like you have something really nice going on with Robert so it would be sad (not to say stupid) to ruin everything for weed. WEED IS NOT WORTH LOSING YOUR FIANCE. Get another sponsor ASAP, go to meetings 3 or 4 times a day - who cares what others think - it's your life. And each time you want to use, ask for help - just saying "Help" is often enough... You may have to say it 500 times a day at first, but one day you'll realize that you don't need to say it anymore...
Guest
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby bern b. » Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:10 am

mmmarlaaa wrote:Hi, my name's Marla, and I'm an addict (Wow, this seems all too familiar).
I went to rehab in January, 2009, the same day a friend of mine overdosed on heroine for the last time, and passed away. His father then took his life from the pain of losing his son. I stayed in rehab for 38 days and then came out a new Marla. I went to a meeting that very night, and continued to make meetings 3 times a week on average. I relapsed in April 2009, but (I may sound like an addict here,) only on weed and alcohol. I thought that it was OK because it wasn't heroine anymore and I wasn't an *alcoholic* anymore (yeah, right). I thought I had my stuff under control, but it didnt take long to get outta control again. Anyways, I met this amazing guy, Robert, who is now my fiance. He;s completely sober, but by choice. He's just never done drugs and he never drank excessively. (I sometimes envy him for never being an addict because I wish it was that easy for me to just pass on something). I have been sober again, thanks to robert for a couple of months, but there's one problem. Even though I haven't had it in my body, my mind still fiends for it. And not heroine or coke or alcohol, but just weed. My mind wants to get high so bad and right now I'm looking for a new job so that's keeping me from smoking but once I pass the drug test I'm scared that there will be nothing holding me back from smoking pot anymore. Robert works full-time so I rarely ever see him during the day time and sometimes I just want to call my old using friends so bad. Even though I deleted their numbers from my cellphone, I still know the numbers in my head and I want to call them and go use. I want to go to meetings, but the last time I was sober I was greedy and was always sharing about stuff just to get attention. I feel embarassed to go back because people probably think that I just want attention again. And my old sponsor worked a lot and just got custody of her daughter back so since she was so busy she could never respond to my calls right away and eventually I just relapsed. It's not that she's not a good person, and not a good sponsor, she just wasn't capable of meeting all my needs. I relapsed at 85 days because the 90 mark scared me, and I'm not really sure what I should do.....

What SHOULD i do????

please help =[
<3; MarlaMarie
bern b.
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby bernadette » Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:15 am

hey girl,
i understand how hard this thing is that you are living with...but just remember, you are LIVING and that is your miracle, your journey...the mind is a tricky friend we all have locked up in our brain. it needs training and re-training until it re-sets itself....every once in a while those OLD thoughts will come into play, like wanting to get high...just let them run through, examine them, take a deep breath and relax...those are nothing but thoughts, it doesn't mean you have to respond to them...accept it as just a THOUGHT and let it pass thru....and remember live in each minute if you have too, and don't get overwhelmed. You control your thoughts and decisions....good luck and i understand you totally.
bernadette
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby fbyrd76 » Mon Feb 15, 2010 10:09 am

Hi, Marla, I'm here to talk with if you'd like. Maybe if I can talk to you about what I'm going through it may help you too. Thanks
fbyrd76
Registered User
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 9:57 am

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby GUITARPLAYA » Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:05 pm

Hey marla, dont give up! its so not worth it! i dont know how old you are, but the years go by so quickly. you dont want to look back one day and relize you did nothing with your life but get high. get yourself together with a support group, and dont entertain those crazy thoughts because you know what happens when we do that. does your boyfriend support your clean lifestyle? if so, maybe when you feel like using, you guys can go out and do something fun. it will get your mind off of the other stuff. you may also have some unresolved emotional issues you might want to deal with. deppression was a major issue with me. no matter what it seemed i just couldnt stay happy. i relized life was not all fun and games and sometimes when things go bad you just have to brace for impact and surround yourself with friends and loved ones. talking about it is so important!! just remember, that one last time, could truly be your last. hang in there and remember you are worth it! i wish you the best.
GUITARPLAYA
Registered User
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:38 pm

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby sweetthangjones » Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:59 am

hey Marla,good morning first of all. I started in N.A.on January 2009,and since then have had numerous relapses.My train of thought was exactly like yours is , and still is in so many ways.I was addicted to weed,pills,alcohol,and coke.I felt that I still wanted to smoke weed.After losing 2 of my 4 children in foster care to my addiction and still fighting to get them back I had to realize that they are more important than any chemical out there.I still crave weed, I would be lying to you if I said i didn't.I get through it though. I know it is not easy ,but it can be done "One day at a time", 'One step at a time" Find local meetings in your area,a outpatient program is helping me tremendously.Never worry about what someone elses percep[tions of you are.If you ever need a friend ,you just made one . We can help each other. :) :D
sweetthangjones
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby Jackson » Sun Apr 04, 2010 5:54 pm

Hi Marla,
As hard as it seems sometimes, it only gets harder when you "project" beyond today, or for that matte, beyond the moment. Speaking of which, for the moment, you have your fiance Robert, who is sober and there for you to support you. One thing I can not stress enough when it comes to Robert, if you can maintain an open and honest relationship with him, it can only help you and strengthen your relationship. If you are not honest with yourself and hide things from Robert, you won't have Robert and you will go back to using, as you will be devestated and you are already trying to make excuses for using only "weed".

Start being honest with yourself, go to meetings 3/4/5 times a week or more if you need to, work with your sponsor and understand that until you put you drug and alcohol use behind you, you will never feel good about yourself, and for that reason alone you will pick up. You have to work on getting well, ODAT, and even one moment at a time.

Tom L
Jackson
 

Re: Relapsed and now sober again, but fiending badly

Unread postby Brandi » Sat Jun 19, 2010 10:49 am

Hello, I am new to this, can someone lead me in the right direction please??
Brandi
Registered User
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 10:33 am

LOOKING FOR A MEETING

Unread postby PSU » Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:40 pm

I have been clean for over 18 years....but out of the blue....I NEED a meeting...help me find one in the 19034 area...I have been looking for an hour on line and can't fine one soon. Help!
PSU
 


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