mmmarlaaa wrote:Hi, my name's Marla, and I'm an addict (Wow, this seems all too familiar).
I went to rehab in January, 2009, the same day a friend of mine overdosed on heroine for the last time, and passed away. His father then took his life from the pain of losing his son. I stayed in rehab for 38 days and then came out a new Marla. I went to a meeting that very night, and continued to make meetings 3 times a week on average. I relapsed in April 2009, but (I may sound like an addict here,) only on weed and alcohol. I thought that it was OK because it wasn't heroine anymore and I wasn't an *alcoholic* anymore (yeah, right). I thought I had my stuff under control, but it didnt take long to get outta control again. Anyways, I met this amazing guy, Robert, who is now my fiance. He;s completely sober, but by choice. He's just never done drugs and he never drank excessively. (I sometimes envy him for never being an addict because I wish it was that easy for me to just pass on something). I have been sober again, thanks to robert for a couple of months, but there's one problem. Even though I haven't had it in my body, my mind still fiends for it. And not heroine or coke or alcohol, but just weed. My mind wants to get high so bad and right now I'm looking for a new job so that's keeping me from smoking but once I pass the drug test I'm scared that there will be nothing holding me back from smoking pot anymore. Robert works full-time so I rarely ever see him during the day time and sometimes I just want to call my old using friends so bad. Even though I deleted their numbers from my cellphone, I still know the numbers in my head and I want to call them and go use. I want to go to meetings, but the last time I was sober I was greedy and was always sharing about stuff just to get attention. I feel embarassed to go back because people probably think that I just want attention again. And my old sponsor worked a lot and just got custody of her daughter back so since she was so busy she could never respond to my calls right away and eventually I just relapsed. It's not that she's not a good person, and not a good sponsor, she just wasn't capable of meeting all my needs. I relapsed at 85 days because the 90 mark scared me, and I'm not really sure what I should do.....
What SHOULD i do????
please help =[
<3; MarlaMarie
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