I want my parents to die

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I want my parents to die

Unread postby Phillygirl » Sat May 08, 2010 1:04 pm

I know that's a horrible thing to say, especially from someone who's 8-1/2 years sober, but I have tenth-stepped, and turned the other cheek and compromised all I possibly can without losing my sobriety and/or sanity.

Now my mother has started throwing stuff in my face that happened years ago, and using AA against me, claiming she, who still drinks (because not everyone needs AA or has to stop altogether, you know), has "been through the system," and knows all about AA and claims I am NOT living the proper AA life because I refuse to dance to her tune. I am not a teenager, I am a 58 year old woman who was severely abused as a child, the textbook "oldest child of alcoholics" who's been trying to please them all her life. I can't do it anymore, I'm going nuts right now because at this point the only solution is to tell them they're out of my life for good.

I need some Al Anon advice. Anyone out there who'd like to take this on?
Phillygirl
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby Guest » Sun May 09, 2010 7:45 am

Then stop doing it. If you're living with them, try to find another arrangement for a while. Don't let them walk all over you!!! Are you going to alanon meetings? This is the best place to find answers.
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby Phillygirl » Mon May 10, 2010 6:37 am

Guest wrote:Then stop doing it. If you're living with them, try to find another arrangement for a while. Don't let them walk all over you!!! Are you going to alanon meetings? This is the best place to find answers.


No I'm not living with them, I've been out of that house of horrors since I was barely 18. I did go to an Al Anon meeting the other night, and plan to go to one tonight. They didn't tell me anything much different than my AA friends did,tho. Said to concentrate on myself. But I'm so angry right now to find out that they'd think I'd steal or lie or mistreat my sister in her time of need. What they've done is lump me in with all their other kids' behaviors, just like they used to line us all up when we were kids and beat us all because one of us did something they perceived to be wrong. (Like drink some soda out of a bottle in the refrigerator.) They are really sick people. But now that I've finally admitted to myself that I was an abused child, I STILL don't want to "hurt their feelings" by telling them the truth. They're 77 and almost 80 now, and the fact that this is happening when my dad's health is not good is what's tearing me apart, too.

Al Anon teaches you to deal with yourself, I know. But right now I want apologies and validation. That's what's driving me nuts.
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby Phillyjohn17 » Mon May 10, 2010 5:03 pm

You have to stop volunteering to be a part of the insanity. THEY ARE NEVER going to change. My Mom was one sick cookie, I understand she had a tuff childhood TOUGH SH*T! Sorry, If you dont do anything to change it, it means you like it. Sounds very unhealthy. THE BEST THING I DID FOR ME IN MY LIFE IS LEAVING MY MOM BEHIND AND STOP PLAYING "A" or "MY" PART IN THE ALCOHOLIC PLAY.
GOOD LUCK
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby waterboy50 » Tue May 11, 2010 5:05 pm

"Forgiveness is the fragrence that the violet sheds, on the heel that crushed it." If you have a higher power I would pray my ass off the he would change my way way of thinking and change my expectations. you are doomed to dissapointment forever if you don't. It's no longer about what your parents do or don't do, it's about how you react to situations. today it's your parents tomorrow it's someone else. Resenment is like acid that does way more harm to the vessel that carries it than it does to what it's poured on. Surrender to the fight, you don't have to fight it anymore and become the flower that you always have been but just didn't know it. You can do it.
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby Phillygirl » Wed May 12, 2010 10:46 am

waterboy50 wrote:"Forgiveness is the fragrence that the violet sheds, on the heel that crushed it." If you have a higher power I would pray my ass off the he would change my way way of thinking and change my expectations. you are doomed to dissapointment forever if you don't. It's no longer about what your parents do or don't do, it's about how you react to situations. today it's your parents tomorrow it's someone else. Resenment is like acid that does way more harm to the vessel that carries it than it does to what it's poured on. Surrender to the fight, you don't have to fight it anymore and become the flower that you always have been but just didn't know it. You can do it.



I've already been to the forgiveness and non-expectation well, long ago. I forgave them beating and belittling me an for raising me to feel worthless, telling myself that they didn't know any better and most likely were abused as well, and I let pass stuff that I knew I couldn't change. But they are now outright attacking me, now, with me over 8 years sober.
A situation has recently arisen where what remains of my family (I lost one brother to this disease in 2004 at age 50, and other to AIDS in 1986 at age 33) has decided that I'm not doing enough for a sister with breast cancer who has been a nasty bitch to me for years. First of all, it's not true, I told her I was here fo rher. But because of something that my mother and siser have been ticked off over for three years, my mother is not only siding with her, but feeding her accusations, and they are ALL throwing stuff that may or may not have occured during my drinking days, and acting like I am the worst drunk in the family which is a joke. My husband (not an alcoholic) and I have taken a lot of crap over the years, and sometimes AA principles just aren't the answer.

I know I should be reacting differently, but I just can't take it anymore. And there's no surrender, there's only retreat, and total detachment from them. And the ironic part of if is, even though I KNOW I'm right, that detachement is the only answer, I'm upset because I don't want to hurt THEIR FEELINGS!
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Re: I want my parents to die

Unread postby Phoenix.504 » Thu May 13, 2010 7:35 pm

I hate to say this, but sometimes when your family is toxic to you, you have to leave them behind and make your family from your trusted friends and your spouse or significant other. We would all like the perfect family, where we were loved, respected, and valued for the person we were. Unfortunatly this doen't always happen. It's not easy to turn your back on family, it's even more difficult to understand why they treat(ed) you like crap. In time you will feel better about yourself and life. You can't change them but you can change the way you deal with them. I did it, and so can you. Good luck.
Phoenix.504
 


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