Scared and Selfish?

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Scared and Selfish?

Unread postby Scared » Thu Nov 30, 2006 9:52 pm

My boyfriend of two years, decided on his own to quit drinking and smoking all at once. It's been almost two weeks. I realized several months ago that he drank alot. I found him making excuses to drink and sneaking to the liquor store. I don't see him except for weekends, so I really had no idea how much he drank until I spent a weeks' holidays with him. I think he was embarassed about it. I've been supportive of him, (we've both been thru hell the past 3 - 5 years - before we met eachother!) but i certainly never wanted to enable him. He makes his own decisions, and so therefore I have never nagged him about his drinking. IN fact, I'd be there right along with him, drinking the weekend away.

My concern is how to help him at his point. I could predict his behaviour when he was drinking. He was so playful, affectionate and very romantic. We'd have so much fun together. There were no inhibitions and he was very open and honest. He was never abusive or violent in any way with me, while drinking. In fact, he was opposite. Like a big Teddy Bear! That is what I fell in love with.

I know the past two weeks has been hard for him and I want to support him, but when I voiced my concern to him this week about how I am feeling neglected, he got upset. He hasn't been talking to me much. He is short tempered and just seems like he doesn't want me around. I know he loves me very much, and am thinking this behaviour is due to the withdrawals and perhaps self pity...due to wanting to drink. I want to help him and I want to to be supportive. Will it get better? I am trying to be understanding, but I really don't know what he is going through. Does anyone have the different stages emotionally or whatever...that they go through to reach recovery?

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but his behaviour is really hurting me. I wouldn't think of leaving him now, or ever...i love him dearly. I feel selfish for wondering if he's still gonna love me when he's sober. Someone tell me, I'm not dumb and am not the only one who has ever though this.

Scared and all over the place.

Unread postby Guest » Thu Nov 30, 2006 10:35 pm

Dear scared,

I read your post and I had to respond. You hit every emotion between a couple when addicition and sobriety is involved in the first couple of weeks. I am an alcoholic and I feel like I am more sociable and loving after I had a drink or two.

If I stop drinking I become more introverted, angry and self-concious. The hardest part i think is in between, where a person with an addiction will say "I can control it" and try to moderately drink or do drugs.

For some people that may work, but from what I have heard, most people will go through the weeks of kicking the habit (hell for evreybody) but in the end be better for it.

am there

Unread postby Guest » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:04 am

Scared, that's his battle, and whether he wins it or not, he's on his own. You can be supportive -- being there when he needs you, listening to him without judging, etc. -- but again, he's the one in control. How frustrating can that be for you? I could talk about it for hours. That's the story of all of us, partners of alcoholics.

Unread postby Scared » Fri Dec 01, 2006 8:31 am

Thank you for your comments. I think you hit the nail on the head.
I noticed several changes in him, (which I really didn't expect)...and am having a hard time dealing with it. I imagine though, it is harder for him at this point. I do love him and I want him to be happy.

I'll keep hanging in there...for as long as it takes.
It is nice to know there are places like this for those of us who are ignorant of alcohol abuse. I grew up in a 'glass bubble'...and this is all so very new to me.

Thanks so much.

Unread postby Guest » Fri Dec 01, 2006 9:25 am

Dear Scared:

You may want to go to Al-anon meetings. There you will meet people like you and me who try to cope with addicted loved ones.

It's hard and painful for both of you, and both of you need support.

Also you may want to read some books about addiction so you know what you are up against. My favorites are from Melody Beattie.

If you wish, come back and let us know how it goes.

Unread postby Scared » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:10 pm

Thank you. I will look into that. I'll do anything. I'll probably be here again as well...and keep you updated. It's been his second weekend without the booze and this is our first weekend apart. :-(


Unread postby Kimba » Sun Dec 03, 2006 8:54 pm

Scared wrote:Thank you. I will look into that. I'll do anything. I'll probably be here again as well...and keep you updated. It's been his second weekend without the booze and this is our first weekend apart. :-(

Hi! Jumping in late but I wanted you to know you are not crazy or being a "bad" partner. Alcohol withdrawl brings on real physical and psychological changes in the person. My BF would get withdrawn one minute and clingy the next. Because of the physical aspect he would be tired and his stomach is a mess for weeks after. Forget about sleeping. He would be up all night. Every person is different but these chemical changes that years of drinking can take weeks to leave their systems. Your man's moods would be there whether you were or not. My suggestion is to just tell him you can appreciate he is going through a rough time and you would like him to be open with you. If he withdrawls try not to take it personal and come here or an Alanon meeting and get it off your chest.
The hard part about your partner getting sober is this is just the beginning of him understanding what got him there in the first place. The sad part is sitting back and watching them view their reality sober for the first time. It often becomes a scary place for them to not have the crutch they are used to. Often family and friends become targets of the feelings that are surfacing. It's NOT you,it's them seeing themselves.

i relate

Unread postby mer00 » Tue Apr 24, 2007 7:46 am

Hi , I can relate , i also drank with my boyfriend , long story , things got really bad , but finally this weekened i got scared , really scared , I want to be sobre , i want him sober too , i am gouing to alanon online , I have a great job , we are buying ahouse , I dont want to throw all that way , this weekend the weather was noce and we decided to go out drinking when i came back we had spent so much money , i dont want to risk my life like that and nmy hard earning money , i want my house my family , o realize , that he will not be supportive if I keep drinking too , even if I ma the one with the problem or not , or he is it doenst matter , I am thankful to be soebr today and feel good , i am calling my Dr today too , casue i know that i have some kind of anxiety too , and I numb with alcohol , he had put me on medication but I never took it , I want to take it now , thanks looking forward to replies, M

Unread postby Guest » Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:15 am

don't give up, mer00! you're heading in the right direction, and i know you'll make it!!! in a way, being sober is so much easier that being controlled day in and day out by the beast. enough! let's claim our life back.

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