relapse after 10 yrs

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relapse after 10 yrs

Unread postby tiffKS » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:24 pm

I recently have started dating a man that has been clean and sober for 10 years. We have been dating for about 9 months.Last night he used while I was out of town and told me about it when I returned. Does anyone have a similar situation that they have experienced? I don't know what to do because I knew him before his sobriety and he is a different person now...but I am so scared that I may not be able to trust him and don't know what I need to do. I CANNOT have this in my life! He tells me he will take it one day at a time. He admitted to me that he used. I love him and want to support him, but have to also take care of myself. I just wondered if it's like day one again and I should be extremely concerned that this behavior will begin all over again, of if he really is going to stop...I am so confused on what to do. I told him I will be there to support him, but wonder how long he has been thinking about using and if there is something in our relationship that caused him to seek drugs?

Re: relapse after 10 yrs

Unread postby Guest » Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:45 am

Get out of there as fast as you can. You cannot save him, believe me. Addicts & alcoholics are professional liars and this little dose of honesty is by no means a reflection of what is to come. If this man does not find a good sponsor and go through the step as they are outlined in the book, he will use again. Its not if but when. One day at a time means nothing unless i'm applying it to a program of action. If your boyfriend were working with a sponsor in the first place ,he'd still be sober. I mean a sponsor who is awake, not asleep dreaming that he is awake.

Re: relapse after 10 yrs

Unread postby Clark50 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:53 pm

You didn't cause it. When we want to drink or use more than we want to stay sober, we drink or use. The results are usually not good.
People who relapse after 10 years can get sober again. I would suggest to him that he look at "IOP"- intensive outpatient treatent - 4 nights a week for a month. Helped me. Easy does it.

Re: relapse after 10 yrs

Unread postby Guest2 » Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:24 pm

I disagree with the two above posts, especially the one by "Guest". You can't change your significant other, but there are ways to help, and this does NOT mean that your partner has betrayed your trust or failed you, or that you've done anything. I would monitor the situation closely and not overreact as that will cause this behavior to continue and possibly get worse. Constructive things you can do would to be open, honest and understanding. Don't condone the behavior but understand that alcoholics are human too and will occasionally make a mistake and "pick up" after some time. I would ensure that there is no alcohol in the house and not go anywhere that would be tempting to drink (parties, out to dinner.... depends on the individual what triggers them). A conversation at this time about what triggered the relapse would be a good first start. The first step for him is to make sure that he's getting the help he needs to quit again. If that means In or Outpatient rehab so be it. If that means he quits on his own, great! In either case I would suggest getting back in touch with "AA" and ensure that he's getting to enough meetings. At this stage, depending on the relapse, one meeting a day for 30-90 days is a good goal. Everyone is different. Getting a sponsor is a good idea, and working the program. I would also HIGHLY recommend that you offer to go to meetings with him as much as possible (the open meetings where non Alcoholics are allowed). You will be more than welcome. Al-Anon meetings are another option to learn more about what's going on with this disease. The more support you give him at this time is the best way to get through this. Remember to think of Alcoholism as a disease or allergy, just like anything else. Assuming that your boyfriend is a full blown alcoholic (and not someone who has had trouble with alcohol), he's allergic to alcohol, and this allergy causes him to keep drinking and get out of control. In either case, there was a reason he decided to put it down for some time. If he's a full alcoholic than he will have trouble again. If he was just a problem drinker, then proceed with caution because he could BECOME an alcoholic with using again. If meetings aren't your thing, I would by the "Alcoholics Anonymous" book from Borders and read the first two chapters at least and the one called "To Wives". The book is also free on the internet at

Good luck.

Re: relapse after 10 yrs

Unread postby tiffKS » Sat Aug 14, 2010 5:16 pm

Thank you for all your comments, but I think i will follow guest 2's advice and see if I can be supportive before I just throw in the towel. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply as this is what I was hoping to hear and how I felt, but wanted to make sure I heard it from others and not just my own feelings. Thanks again!

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