by Cara » Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:07 pm
abclimo wrote:
> Scared: Wow, yours is a powerful post. I'll be happy to try to
> "explain" some of what is going on the best I can and hopefully
> it helps you, even just a little bit. First, you need to stop making
> excuses for him. Being an addict, we are experts at making our own
> excuses, we're actually so good at it, we even make ourselves believe them.
> I am sure that the infertility problem and being unemployed are difficult
> for him, and he views these as excuses to use/drink. Most
> addicts/alcoholics use to get away from their problems, not realizing that
> when we are not under the influence, the problems are still there and even
> feel worse than they did before we used. He views you as the enemy because
> you are asking him not to drink/use. When I was in my active addiction, I
> didn't understand why my husband wouldn't just leave me alone with my using
> and quit nagging me, I felt so peaceful after using and he just made that
> peaceful turn stressfull. You are NOT the problem, he is the problem and
> he needs to deal with what is actually causing him to use/drink. Unless he
> deals with that, he won't be able to quit and be in recovery. The fact
> that it has become physical is a very bad thing. This time it was only him
> holding you down and trying to pour a beer on you. Next time, it could be
> pushing you down a flight of stairs, or hitting you so hard you need
> emergency treatment. You definitely need to put a stop to this before it
> gets any worse. I am not sure where you are from, but in the area of
> Pennsylvania I live in, you can go to the courthouse and fill out paperwork
> called a "protection from abuse" which they will then serve on
> him and there'll be a hearing and the judge will find in your favor that he
> has to stay away from you, yadda yadda yadda. It basically means you can
> make him leave your house and he has to stay away from you for one year.
> This will probably be one of the most difficult things you have ever done,
> but if you want to continue to live, you'll need to do it. It's
> interesting how his family has done a complete 360 and are blaming you for
> what is going on. Does his family have a history of alcoholism or
> addiction? It's very easy for them to be on the sidelines and blame you
> for what is going, even though it is not your fault. Also, you can find
> meetings in your area to get a better idea of what is going on. You can
> attend Al-alon and nar-anon, they are more for the families of people who
> are addicted (alcohol is a drug), or you can attend an AA or NA meeting as
> long as they are open meetings. You'll hear a lot of people sharing what
> they had gone through. I know how hard it is to stand up to "your
> elders" when you have been raised to always respect them. I still
> struggle with this and it is a struggle. I have learned a lot about me,
> not all bad things, but I have learned to take things as they come and deal
> with them. I have also learned that I don't need to use or drink to enjoy
> my life. You definitely don't need to deal with the crap he's putting you
> through and you deserve better. You need to stand up for yourself and
> things will work themselves out, if they are meant to be. I'll send some
> good thoughts your way and a hug to help you through your journey.
abclimo wrote:
> Scared: Wow, yours is a powerful post. I'll be happy to try to
> "explain" some of what is going on the best I can and hopefully
> it helps you, even just a little bit. First, you need to stop making
> excuses for him. Being an addict, we are experts at making our own
> excuses, we're actually so good at it, we even make ourselves believe them.
> I am sure that the infertility problem and being unemployed are difficult
> for him, and he views these as excuses to use/drink. Most
> addicts/alcoholics use to get away from their problems, not realizing that
> when we are not under the influence, the problems are still there and even
> feel worse than they did before we used. He views you as the enemy because
> you are asking him not to drink/use. When I was in my active addiction, I
> didn't understand why my husband wouldn't just leave me alone with my using
> and quit nagging me, I felt so peaceful after using and he just made that
> peaceful turn stressfull. You are NOT the problem, he is the problem and
> he needs to deal with what is actually causing him to use/drink. Unless he
> deals with that, he won't be able to quit and be in recovery. The fact
> that it has become physical is a very bad thing. This time it was only him
> holding you down and trying to pour a beer on you. Next time, it could be
> pushing you down a flight of stairs, or hitting you so hard you need
> emergency treatment. You definitely need to put a stop to this before it
> gets any worse. I am not sure where you are from, but in the area of
> Pennsylvania I live in, you can go to the courthouse and fill out paperwork
> called a "protection from abuse" which they will then serve on
> him and there'll be a hearing and the judge will find in your favor that he
> has to stay away from you, yadda yadda yadda. It basically means you can
> make him leave your house and he has to stay away from you for one year.
> This will probably be one of the most difficult things you have ever done,
> but if you want to continue to live, you'll need to do it. It's
> interesting how his family has done a complete 360 and are blaming you for
> what is going on. Does his family have a history of alcoholism or
> addiction? It's very easy for them to be on the sidelines and blame you
> for what is going, even though it is not your fault. Also, you can find
> meetings in your area to get a better idea of what is going on. You can
> attend Al-alon and nar-anon, they are more for the families of people who
> are addicted (alcohol is a drug), or you can attend an AA or NA meeting as
> long as they are open meetings. You'll hear a lot of people sharing what
> they had gone through. I know how hard it is to stand up to "your
> elders" when you have been raised to always respect them. I still
> struggle with this and it is a struggle. I have learned a lot about me,
> not all bad things, but I have learned to take things as they come and deal
> with them. I have also learned that I don't need to use or drink to enjoy
> my life. You definitely don't need to deal with the crap he's putting you
> through and you deserve better. You need to stand up for yourself and
> things will work themselves out, if they are meant to be. I'll send some
> good thoughts your way and a hug to help you through your journey.